Proof That Love Is A COMMITMENT

Hi, everyone!


Remember my post, "Love Can Be Learned Too?" Click HERE to read it. It was based on an a quote in an email I received from one of you. :)


Here's another:

I love it!

“Although feelings ignite love, it is will that sustains it through the seasons.”

What do you think?

Love,

Zabrinah

Facebook Etiquette

Here's the latest:

So, you know you shouldn't pursue him--with all your might--in real life. We all get why (click ME if you don't). But, what about the virtual world? Is there such a thing as Facebook Etiquette?

If you recall, Question #5 of the Dominant Energy quiz is:

When you click, "See Friendship" on facebook, is it just a whole bunch of you posting on his wall? 

That's what Dominant Energy on facebook looks like.

It looks like a "stalkerish" relationship, in which you are the stalker.


Facebook Etiquette


Lesson One: You can friend him first. In real life, we befriend people all the time. It's never really a question of who started the friendship first. I don't look around at my friends and wonder who pursued who. Nope. And why not? Because it's just a friendship! Our intentions are platonic. In my opinion, it's perfectly fine to friend a person on facebook first, as long as you don't have some secret ulterior motive of making him fall in love with you.

Lesson Two: If you're crushing on the guy, don't post on his wall first. This lesson could change, depending on the situation (people have birthdays, or maybe he's a co-worker and you need some information). But, I advise against trying to woo your crush or get him to like you through facebook at all. Don't be that person who posts smiley faces with tongues sticking out and flirty messages all over his page. That's just weird. You're a human being. He's a human being. Try interacting in real life.

Lesson Three: Don't poke him first. I just think poking the guy you like on facebook is very odd. Very awkward. And very obvious. It definitely shows him that The Switch is on.

Lesson Four: NEVER EVER send a private message confessing your love to him. This is a definite temptation that most of us go through. You may have NO idea how mortifying the situation could become. Or maybe you've observed this firsthand, as I have. There is just something so wrong about the facebook private message or even writing a letter to stuff in his locker or briefcase. Whether your message is accusatory or full of lovey dovey hearts and exclamation points. Don't do it.
Don't believe me? Please read Finding the Courage to Tell Him and When Writing Letters Becomes A Problem to find out more.

Conclusion

Overall, it's difficult to create a Facebook Etiquette, simply due to the numerous scenarios that could come into play. Just use common sense. When in doubt, ask yourself, "Would it freak me out if the roles were reversed?"

If he was looking through your photos at 3AM in the morning, would you be creeped out? If he was always posting on your wall, liking your pictures, and commenting on your statuses, would you consider blocking him? These are the questions we must ask ourselves.

If you have any other facebook woes, please click on any of the following articles:

• The Facebook Test: Part One
• The Facebook Test: Part Two
• The Facebook Test: Part Three
• Look At That Profile Picture

If your facebook issue hasn't been covered yet, feel free to email me!

Sincerely hope this helped!

Love,

Zabrinah

The Exclusivity Talk

Z-note: The idea for this entire post came to me from an email.

Girl: Are we exclusive yet?

Guy: I don't know.

Girl: What do you mean?

Guy: I spend most of my time with you. Who else could I be seeing?

Girl: Yay! WE ARE EXCLUSIVE!

Let's get real here. Bringing up The Exclusivity Talk out of nowhere is Dominant Energy. Only the pursuer would eagerly want to define the relationship with a label.

And sometimes, we bring up the exclusivity talk only to reel him into making a commitment he's not ready to make. We want that commitment. We feel like we need that commitment. We'll take it in writing, in an email, in a voice mail, in a text message! There's nothing wrong with feeling the urge to "tie him down" or find out "where you stand". The age-old question tends to haunt us:

How does he really feel about me? 

But, at the end of the day, I think that exclusivity talks are no better than giving him an ultimatum. Why? Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he may say "yes", and inadvertently hurt you a million times worse down the road (when he meets a woman he really wants to commit to). It happened in the movie He's Just Not That Into You. It could happen in your life, as well.

Ultimatums work in the short-term. He feels the pressure. He doesn't want to hurt you. He doesn't want you to start crying. So, he says, "Yes." You just manipulated your way into a relationship with an unwilling boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.

I have a better alternative.

The Best Way To Find Out

If you want to know if you're exclusive with him or not, follow these steps:

Step One: Talk about your goals and what you expect from the future.

Step Two: Figure out if he knows how to love you well.

Step Three: By the time you get this far, HIS ACTIONS will certainly show whether he wants to be exclusive or not.

I don't want people to read this article and think, "If I stay quiet about it, he'll definitely let me know that we're exclusive," or "Zabrinah never lets me initiate anything!". 

I'm just trying to prevent you from a situation where the guy you like is worried about hurting your feelings. Sure, he might stick around if you push the right buttons, but do you realize how humiliating that is? None of us deserve a boyfriend that pities us--that's only sticking around because there's currently no one better.

Most guys don't want to make girls cry--especially the ones that like them. Most guys are pretty decent. But, they operate differently than we do. And it's up to us to acknowledge the differences and find out what works for us.

Conclusion

Just be perceptive and patient, and you'll KNOW--without a doubt-whether you're exclusive or not.

If you're legitimately having trouble with a guy who won't commit, read:

The Non-Committal Guy

Love,

Zabrinah

P.S. Can't wait to get some feedback on this post!

The Inadvertently Cruel Guy

Just a few short years ago, you could catch me singing the following lyrics nonstop:

You're not sure that you love me.

But you're not sure enough to let me go,

Baby it ain't fair, you know,

To keep me hanging 'round.

And it's alright, I'll be fine,

Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine.

Just take your love and hit the road.

There's nothing you can do or say,

You're gonna break my heart anyway,

So, just leave the pieces when you're gone.

Though Leave The Pieces by The Wreckers has a pretty tune, it's rather depressing, isn't it? I think the song is describing ... 

The Inadvertently Cruel Guy. 

Before you continue reading, PLEASE read my post: The Breakup Song (click ME). 

Most of us have met and fallen for this type of guy.

Identifying Him

1. He keeps you close, though he never intends to pursue you.

2. He says suggestive, romantic things, though he never intends to pursue you.

3. He gets Manipulative or all Sad Puppy on you, if you ever try to stop liking him. 

He knows that you like him. He knows that you want to be in a relationship with him. He doesn't want you that way, but he's not willing to fully let you go. He doesn't want you to move on. 

He's not trying to be cruel. And yet, he is. 

Take Command

Don't be passive. Take command over the pieces of your heart. Don't let him just walk away willy-nilly with your self-esteem and dignity in his pocket!

This blog is full of articles about getting over a guy. So many, that I can't even begin to list the links here. Check out Where To Start.

If you ever encounter The Inadvertently Cruel Guy, take command over your heart. It's under your control. Educate yourself on how to get over him as quickly as possible. Then, do it! Choose to do it.

It might take some time, but as long as you put in the effort, it will happen. You will be free!

Love,

Zabrinah

The Most Unattractive Thing You Could Do

I picked up a book by Sean Covey that I hadn't read in years and in the first chapter, it said:

"The ironic thing is that the more you center your life on someone, the more unattractive you become to that person."

I realized that this was a BRILLIANT piece of advice. It's a sad, but true fact. The most unattractive thing you could do--whether you're in a romantic relationship or not--is to center your life around his. 

Here's a confession for you. I used to memorize the school/work schedules of my crushes! I wanted to know where he would be in the hallways or getting lunch. How embarrassing is that? How creepy is that? How desperate is that? Forget being nonchalant cool. You've become a complete stalker. No wonder guys can see The Switch flicker on the second you start to seriously like them.

Don't Be Ashamed

For many of us, when we begin to notice a guy, our first impulse is to converge upon him like a rhinoceros tackling a grape. Know that it's perfectly fine to be tempted. Sometimes, our hearts jump to a Level 2 (read How Much I Like A Guy Meter HERE) without our permission.
It happens.

Level 2 is the temptation. But if you notice on the meter, Level 3, is the sin. This is my way of saying that you are consciously dwelling on those ooey gooey, lovey-dovey thoughts. Your mind gave your heart blatant permission to keep going. Before you know it, the next thing you'll want to do is center your entire existence around this person.

Why It's So Darn Unappealing

1. It makes you far too sensitive. I don't think that there's anything wrong with being appropriately vulnerable when a relationship is serious, however, becoming a Level 3 (or higher) too soon encourages you to do some crazy things. You'll flip out when he doesn't respond to your text message. You'll pretend to pocket-dial him, if only to hear his voice say, "Hello?" You'll overact to every little thing he does. Imagine if a guy behaved this way with you. You'd call him controlling and obsessive.
I'd get a restraining order ASAP.

2. You are an insecure mess. Because you're focusing on his life far more than you should, you're prone to be jealous and calculating.

3. You are beyond annoying. Wonder where the expressions, "Get a life!" or "Find a hobby!" come from? Well, I think I know ...

Be Aware

The person you're obsessed with might not even be a good guy. He could try to take advantage of your feelings or passively watch you mortify yourself on a daily basis.

The bottom line is: whether he's a nice person or not, it is horrifyingly unattractive to make him the center of your world. When your only hobby is spending time with him, there's something intensely ugly about that.

No one (including you) wants somebody who seeks constant validation. Don't be that person. We want to be surrounded by people with outstanding self-worth, confidence and integrity--for those are the most attractive traits you can exhibit.

Love,

Zabrinah

Be the Change You Want To See

The words of an old Anglican bishop gave me chills today:

When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits,

I dreamed of changing the world;

As I grew older and wiser I realized the world would not change

And I decided to shorten my sights somewhat

and change only my country.

But it seemed immovable.

As I entered my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, 

I sought to change only my family, those closest to me,

but alas they would have none of it.

And now here I lie on my death bed and realize

(perhaps for the first time) that if only 

I'd changed myself first, then by example,

I may have influenced my family and with their

encouragement and support I may have better my county,

and who knows,

I may have changed the world.

We've all heard variations of the cliche quote, "Become the change you want to see in the world." Well, I think it's time we apply it to love and life. I can't expect a boyfriend to be working to be his best if I don't do the same.Take another look at your list of standards. Honestly ask yourself, "Do I fulfill all of these qualities?" If the answer is "no", start changing--start adjusting. 

Rise to the occasion.

This quote gave me the confidence and the reassurance I need to continue to work on all of the lovely qualities and traits featured in the post: Your #1 Deal Breaker. 

I hope this inspired you!

Love,

Zabrinah

The Pothole

In response to your emails, I often say: You can't do the same things and expect different results. That's the literal definition of insanity!

Do something different this time around. I know, I know! Easier said than done. Maybe the following quote from There's a Hole in My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson will help you understand:

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost ... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there. 

I still fall in. It's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street. 

It's amazing. I feel as if this accurately describes what we all struggle with when it comes to being Consumed and Obsessed with someone we shouldn't. 

We fall into traps. We willingly walk into temptation. And then, one day, we avoid it altogether. We become Indestructible. We learn.

Love,

Zabrinah