Guest Post: How To Be A Matchmaker

Z-Note: Hey, everybody. This is a GUEST POST written by ELLIE MOON. I only made the little cartoon. Read her bio at the end of this article! And please enjoy!

WRITTEN BY ELLIE MOON:

This is an honest account of how I have been helping a friend of mine search for love, and how you might learn from her latest date. It’s been a difficult job, and we are not there yet. But maybe, through this take, you might see some of the pitfalls she encountered.

My Friend

Kate is a great girl. Age 44, a single mother, a teacher, academic and wonderfully different. She is pretty, highly intelligent and a little quirky, as well as being quite perfect wife material for someone inclined that way. Her son is six, and a delight. It is high time that a man recognised her wonderful qualities and snapped her up. So what’s the problem? Things seldom get beyond a first date, and although I feel she can be somewhat cautious, it is often the men who put her off. My solution to this is to try to get her to see how what appears to be awkwardness can in fact be simply nerves on their part.

Being Kind To Men

I feel sorry for men. They are under so much pressure. A date is like a performance, and they are just like us, usually. They get performance anxiety; they don’t know what to say, so they say too much. Or too little. They know they are meant to be making everything go with a swing and making you laugh. But women can be hard work. My advice is to cut them a little slack on a first date. My friend can seem quite critical of men’s first date performance. She recently shared a coffee with a medic, who had lost his wife to cancer two years previously. He the time with stories of his work, which were quite gory in places. Within twenty minutes she told me the stories had killed the romance. She was waiting to be charmed, he was so nervous he just talked and talked.

When we discussed the date she said he’d been great fun, she’s forgotten she was on a date, and it was like being out with a really good friend. I though this sounded really positive! But, for her, the romance had died by the second or third medical story. I could see it was a bit of a losing battle.

Oversharing

One of the classic mistakes men and women make on a first date is to ‘overshare’. By doing this, they strip away an element of mystique from themselves, which is what drives the desire for the other person to want to know more. It’s like reading a synopsis of a book without having to go to the trouble of reading the whole thing. Why would you? If you expose your innermost feelings before the other person has even decided whether they like you or not, you are pre-empting an essential part of the courtship process. Hold back.

The medic had not thought that by treating my friend like a friend, and in fact like a colleague, he was turning her off. He just thought he was being open and funny and telling her about his life. But by describing your career in such detail over the course of a date, you can end up leaving the other person feeling excluded and perplexed. You can come across as ‘wedded to your work’ leading to doubts about the time you may have for a partner.

My Advice

I told my friend to be honest with the man. She liked him, but could not get beyond the over-sharing element of the date. However, he sounded like a lovely man. I suggested that, as she found his company relaxing and entertaining, she should give him a chance to make amends. Make the date more formal perhaps (thus foregrounding the romance over the friendship element) and say to him that you’d like to get to know him better as a person, outside of his work. This would give him the cue to tone things down on the graphic operation details, and let his true self shine through. I told her to put it down to nerves and to give him a chance.

Outcome

She did as I suggested. They went out for dinner and he told her more about his wife’s death, and his two children. She talked about her own son. But in the end, she felt the chemistry was not there. Somehow they had gone from 0-60 mph in the course of two meetings, and she did not return the hug he gave her in the car-park as they said goodbye. Two days later she phoned him and was gently honest. There is no point in dragging these things out, and she has become a master of the gentle exit, at my urging. Don’t waste time trying with the wrong person. But do be honest and leave things if they are not working out. But gently. He took it well, and she wished him all the best. I am sure both of them will find the right person in the end. It’s important not to be personally wounded by things not working out. Everyone is different. And there is someone out there for everyone. It’s just a question of finding them.

I will carry on matchmaking for my friend. She’s adorable. It’s just that Mr Right has not crossed her path yet. He will, and I shall be so happy when he does, for I can think of no-one better for her, and no-one better for him.

Ellie Moon is a writer and researcher based in London who moonlights as a matchmaker for her friends. From the comfort of her leather loveseat she both taps away at her keyboard producing articles and blogs for a range of client and keeps her phone in her hand advising her friends how to avoid relationship faux pas. 

Play With Fire & You Do Get BURNED

This article is especially directed to those of you who are Not Ready, But Open (click ME).

I'll admit it. When it comes to romantic relationships, you can embarrass the living crap out of yourself if you're not careful. Trust me. I have been there. I have done that. You can mortify yourself by just having a relationship in your head (click ME). Sometimes, we do the wrong thing--like obsess over a guy who doesn't know we exist--just because it feels right in the moment. Or just because we're desperate. It's time to stop doing that. I want you to know that when you play with fire, you do get burned.

Why do we play with fire when we KNOW we'll get burned?

Being Too Forward

Have you ever heard the following quote before?

"Ask for forgiveness, not permission."

It's basically saying that it's better to go too far and apologize later than to hold back and do nothing now.

I love that philosophy when it comes to the workplace or self-development or success in any arena other than relationships.

But, I tend to disagree with this approach when it comes to love.

Why? 

It's all about getting ahead. And about being selfish, proving that you know more than your counterpart thinks you do. This is fine when the other person is a supervisor, impressed by your initiative. But, sometimes, you can freak a guy out.

I don't think you should do anything in relationships with the intent to apologize later. That just affects the trust between you two in a negative way.

Playing With Fire

Being too open, but not prepared, is like playing with fire. Guys can sense this (click ME) a mile away. And some, will choose to take advantage of you.

Some people who play with fire are just too open. There's not much going in their minds other than guys and relationships. Therefore, they center their life around a crush. Remember that this is The Most Unattractive Thing You Could Do (click ME).

How To Stop Putting Your Hand In That Fire

1. Begin by saying, "No" sometimes. You can't do EVERYTHING. Start filtering what you're not open to. Read When To Say, "No" (click HERE).

2. Don't worry about about a specific guy liking you until you ABSOLUTELY have to. I cannot stress enough how important this is. This is the difference between someone who is boy-crazy and someone who is sane. I don't know why we worry, and create fantasies, and make contingency plans ALL BEFORE a guy admits to liking us first. Don't worry about it until it's crystal clear that he does.

3. PLEASE, please, please read Guarding Your Heart (click HERE) and follow Lessons 1 through 3.

Taking risks are a good thing. But playing with fire is pure stupidity. Don't get burned. Guard your heart.

Love,

Zabrinah

My Interview With Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim

I had the pleasure of interviewing Natalie Lue of Baggage Reclaim. This interview is FILLED with GEMS of dating advice from someone who has helped thousands. So, sit back, read and enjoy!

Z: On your "About Me" page, you state that you started your blog as a "twenty-something with poor taste in men and relationships". How did you get from that place to the present--in a happy relationship with two children?

N: In the summer of 2005, a number of things happened such as an illness that I'd been struggling with returning full force and having to end a relationship that wasn't a relationship, that forced me to take a long hard look at myself and stop seeing me as someone with a bad run of luck. At the same time as tackling my health, which ended up forcing me to work on my self-esteem and put some old stuff to rest, I also recognised that I was the common denominator to all of my relationships and basically decided to knock my pattern on the head come hell or high water. Kinesiology, setting boundaries, opting out of the new dating situations I found myself in, taking some time out from work, exploring my experiences and feelings through writing, pouring my unexpressed anger, frustration and hurt into unsent letters, followed by acupuncture and some testing situations that forced me to put my new habits to good use, meant that when I did meet my partner, I was in a very good place. 

Z: For my readers who are unfamiliar with your content, could you briefly explain the concept of Mr. Unavailable (how you discovered this type of guy, wrote about it, and overcame it)?

N: Mr Unavailable is my father, stepfather and then pretty much every guy I've ever dated or had a relationship with, bar my current partner. It was an off the cuff remark about how I seemed to have a penchant for unavailable men - guys with mummy issues, guys with major problems, guys with girlfriends, guys with exes lurking around, guys who hounded me about being with them and then backed off and did a bait and switch on me. It was a very casual admission and while I recognised that I wasn't the only woman with poor taste in men, I, like a lot of women, had convinced myself that my relationship history was 'unique'. I also privately felt it was something to do with my worth and knew that I was chasing feelings to do with my parents, in particular with my father. I had major daddy and self-esteem issues, and while you could see the effects of it in my relationship habits, most people were unaware just how self-destructive I was. When my inbox was flooded with emails from around the world from women who were saying that I was putting their thoughts, feelings, and experiences into words, writing about my own experiences and observations seemed even more important. I'd hit on something. 

Mr Unavailable has always existed but what I did was basically deconstruct all of my relationships as well as look at the patterns and trends between me and my readers, and translate and lay it all down so that people could understand how he operates but more importantly, understand where they fit in and how to move forward. The more I wrote, the more that my inbox swelled and I couldn't keep up with the demand. This was what sparked my ebook and everything is written from experience, gut, and observation. I'm not a doctor, I haven't read a self-help book properly in nearly a decade (although I have skimmed and do read blogs etc), but I can see right through a situation and uncover the dynamics, the motivations, and the similarities with other facets of life. Writing has been a very cathartic experience - it was reading my blog back and seeing my pattern and things that I didn't like, that ultimately forced me to make changes in my life.  

Z: Your blog has been running for about 7 years! How do you keep your material relevant?

N: I tend to write from the gut, observation, and keeping my finger on the pulse of my readers concerns - I get a hell of a lot of email, plus there's the comments, Facebook, and even Twitter. I also draw a lot of inspiration from what appear to be unrelated subjects such as kids books, my daughters, business experiences, and what people tell me when I'm out and about. 

Z: What are the general concerns of the women who come to you for advice? 

N: Is their assessment of the situation right, normally because they're afraid that they've misjudged what is already a crap situation and fear they're missing out on someone becoming a better person and that they'll have a better relationship elsewhere. Many people struggle with not contacting someone who mistreated them, plus I hear from a lot of people in affairs, booty calls, Friends With Benefits, struggling with Facebook and what amounts to fantasy dalliances. Some are in serious despair and most have lost themselves along the way. Of course I get a lot of people wanting to know how to move forward and change, often in search of a 'magic formula' or 'strategy'.

Z: When you receive emails from men, what to do you find to be their main concerns with dating/relationships?

N: Men share a lot of the same concerns as women, but I tend to hear from the brokenhearted and in particular, those who have come to realise that they've been played and trying to be Mr Nice Guy has basically turned them into a doormat. Oh and I also hear from guys wanting to be available or who are practically someone's sex slave. 

Z: Do you think the London/UK dating scene is very different from that of the United States? Are there any conspicuously, unique characteristics or are we all dealing with the same universal problems?

N: The UK dating scene is very different to the US. There are dating events here, but dating in itself is not really a British thing. We meet people when we're out and about as part of our life, so work, hobbies, nights out, you get asked out, you may even have had a cheeky snog, you go out and either keep going out, or it fizzles. There's no 'date night' thing and there isn't quite the same obsession with 'dating' although online dating has had an impact on interactions plus of course the whole booty call thing. We also don't really do the whole multiple dating thing. Ultimately the issues are universal though - I've heard from readers all over the globe and whether you're in a big city, small village, cosmopolitan, rural, a developing nation, relationship issues don't discriminate.

Z: How did you first tell the people in your life (family and friends) about your blog?

N: I didn't. Very few people knew of my blog's existence until about 18 months in and actually for the first year, people assumed I was white with red hair because I was brought up in Dublin. I enjoyed catching people off guard with a baby photo. To be honest, back then (I actually started a personal blog in June 2004 that inspired Baggage Reclaim), most people didn't understand what a blog was. My family thought it was funny. I told the boyf on the second date. Friends and eventually colleagues thought it was very funny. Still many friends probably don't fully understand what I do!

Z: What is the most rewarding aspect of blogging on this subject?

N: I didn't set out to make a difference to people's lives, but the wealth and depth of love and gratitude that I've had from around the world and the impact that Baggage Reclaim is making on people's lives makes it all more than worthwhile. It's unbelievable to be changing people's lives for the better, but I am and it's like rocket fuel.

Z:  If you've ever been in a situation when you've liked a guy A LOT more than he liked you, what did you do?

N: I hung around him, making myself ever available and indispensable. I made sure I was lurking around at the end of nights out and I'm sure I had a 'hungry' look. Desperation and convincing sure as hell ain't sexy! I was always dressed up to the nines on high alert, laughing at everything he said and making a tool out of myself while he got off with me occasionally while seeing the girl who sat across from me in our office behind her boyfriends back. I had no idea he was doing this, but when I found out, my interest and any respect and admiration I had for him died immediately. I think it was when my emotional backbone kicked in. 

Z: What is one thing about dating/relationships that you wished you'd known before you started blogging?

N: I think as many people who write dating blogs have discovered, if you knew that you'd be inviting 'feedback' from every direction and that you'd start to feel pressured to date or stay in order to provide content for you blog, you might think twice about it. That said, I very quickly knocked that feeling on the head because it's important to remember why you're blogging in the first place and not lose sight of your values.  

Thank you, Natalie, for the interview and sharing your insight. 

You can read her blog HERE at  http://baggagereclaim.com
For access to her ebook, Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl, click HERE .

Love,

Zabrinah

Men Don't Want To Be Alone

I just wanted to give you the answer to some of your most burning questions. Why does he do this? Why does he do that? Perhaps there's a single answer to learn from today: 

Why does he show you affection when he already has a girlfriend?
Men don't want to be alone. 

Why does he always have someone to fall back on?
Men don't want to be alone. 


Why does he stare at you for long periods of time?
Men don't want to be alone. 


Why does he brush your shoulder or touch your knee?
Men don't want to be alone. 


Why does he text you inappropriate things?
Men don't want to be alone. 


Why does he text you so much?
Men don't want to be alone. 


Why does he flirt with you when he's not interested romantically?
Men don't want to be alone. 

This goes for gals, too. Nobody wants to end up alone. However, men commit suicide more often than women. As humans, we all fight loneliness. We make contingency plans. We figure out how to avoid that feeling as best as possible. This blog is about fighting the desperation that makes you prone to obsession.

Don't forget that men are fighting the same battle, too--they're just using different tactics.

Think about it. Has a man ever done something in your life, simply because he doesn't want to end up alone? How did you recognize it? And is it always a bad thing?

Love,

Zabrinah

Applying Things That Have Nothing To Do With Your Situation And Placing Them Into Your Situation So You Have A Dramatic Story

We've all done it. We've seen people with real relationship problems and projected those into our own lives. The only problem is, your relationship (which is mostly in your head, by the way--click ME) doesn't have these problems. We see them in other people and then create them out of thin air when it comes to our circumstances. Why on earth do we do that? Why are we causing trouble for ourselves?

I've noticed this in the emails for advice I've been getting. We are forgetting the basics and jumping to conclusions, based on what our friends, the TV, the magazines, and the rest of pop culture say.

Remember this:

If a guy hasn't admitted to your face that he likes you, then you have NO PROOF that he likes you in a romantic way. Read Signs That He Likes You (click ME).

Many of you not only assume that he likes you, but add that he's a low-down dirty dog for not telling you sooner that he has a girlfriend.

Step back and realize that this isn't logical.

You are having a Relationship In Your Head (click ME).

Stay a Level One or Level Two. That way, your world will not end if he suddenly starts ignoring you. Please read When He Slowly Fades Away for more assistance with this problem.

Hope this helped!

Love,

Zabrinah

Addicted To Love

Are you addicted to love? Do you look for it in all the wrong places? Do you get caught up in mind games with men who aren't even remotely interested in you? Yes? Unfortunately, you might be a love addict.

Addictions are psychological. They are rooted in your emotions.

Scenario A: An emotionally healthy person is prescribed a strong painkiller after getting her wisdom teeth pulled out. No big deal. She takes the medicine to ease the sensation of her gums being on fire. However, the painkillers make her feel woozy and out-of-control, so as soon as the doctor says she can stop taking them, she does.


Scenario B: An emotionally unhealthy person is prescribed a strong painkiller after major surgery. She's also fighting loneliness, insecurity, low confidence, and a deep hatred of self. She takes the medicine to ease more than her physical pain. The painkillers make her feel woozy and free from the dark thoughts that cloud her mind. She doesn't stop taking them. 

I know that people say addictions have a heredity link, and it is also my opinion that psychological problems are distributed from generation to generation. If your mom is insecure about her body, chances are, you are too. If your parents are two, very needy people when it comes to love, it's likely that you're needy, as well.

Of course, you can generate an addiction on your own, with no help from anyone else. It happens all the time. Let's apply the scenarios to relationship/love.

Scenario A: An emotionally healthy person is working on her career, her passions, and her talents non-stop. She finds a lot of joy in her friends and family. Each year, she accomplishes more than the last: in tangible goals, as well as imperceptible ones. She's ready and open for a serious relationship, but never desperate or overly concerned about it. One day, out of the blue, it happens. And she lives happily ever after.

Scenario B: An emotionally unhealthy person is jumping from one relationship to the next (whether they are real or in her head). She doesn't know who she is without the validity of the guy she's crushing on. Each year, she finds herself repeating a destructive cycle--consumed over and over again. She knows this is wrong and unhealthy. However, she's already addicted to the pattern. She lives in a circle, repeating the same mistakes with unbelievable ease. 

We latch onto addictions in order to cope with our alarming, sometimes drastic, inner-issues. I'm here to tell you that it's not the way out. You are not actually solving a problem, just masking it--hiding it.

Even if you've never had a drink of alcohol or abused a single pill, if you have issues with not liking yourself, you need to address them. Sooner rather than later.

You can always transform into the person from Scenario A.

It's never too late.

Love,

Zabrinah

Stop Looking For Love?

This might be the deepest thing I've ever heard:

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

--Jalal ad-Din Rumi

This quote explains why How Not To Fall In Love exists.

This quote explains why I'm always pushing you towards "self-development" and "personal growth".

This quote explains why I keep saying, "Once you stop obsessing, fretting, and looking for love, it finds you."

What better way to distract yourself from boy-craziness than to work on the issues you have?

It's counter-intuitive, but it's true.
Stop actively seeking the man of your dreams, and you shall find him. 

Love,

Zabrinah

Are You Ready For A Boyfriend?

How do you know when the time is right? Though current society and the media tend to portray boyfriends as "not a big deal", they kind of are. We take singleness for granted. But, even if you don't have anyone knocking on your door, waiting to give you flowers, how do you know if you're ready for it to happen? 

From what I've experienced and observed in life, there are three stages you could possibly be in:

Not Ready, But Open

Ready, But Not Open

Ready AND Open

Let's uncover them together.

Not Ready, But Open

You're definitely not ready for a boyfriend. You know this. You don't have to take quizzes or ask your friends because the answer is obvious. Perhaps, you're not ready due to financial issues, emotional issues, or spiritual issues.

If someone asked you, "Could you handle a boyfriend right now?", your honest answer would be, "Of course not."

HOWEVER, if a guy asked you out, you'd say, "yes", in a heartbeat.

You're not ready at all. But, you're willing to accept. In fact, you're willing to initiate and pursue.

Why is that? 

Honestly, for each person, it's a different reason. But, it definitely comes from your childhood experiences. You have to sit back and objectively analyze yourself.

When did you ever throw yourself into something serious without taking the proper amount of time to prepare?

For example: You were too young/scared to be visiting your father after the divorce, but you went for it anyway. And ever since then, you've been launching yourself into situations that you're not ready for.

Though the consequences of being Not Ready, But Open are sometimes positive (when tackling jobs and opportunities that come your way), they can be disastrous when it comes to relationships.

Ready, But Not Open

You are ready to have a boyfriend. You are ready to be financially successful. You are inches away from overcoming your deepest issues. BUT, you are not open to any of this happening.

You look for reasons why you shouldn't do something, even when you're completely prepared for it to happen.


Afraid to Be Happy (click ME) is DEFINITELY going on here.

You want good things to happen to you. You are prepared for good things to happen to you.

HOWEVER, you're not open when a good thing comes along.

Why is that? 

Looking back to your childhood, did you ever prepare for something, only to have it taken away from you by something that was out of your control?

For example: You saved $100 of your allowance only to have someone break into your room and steal your piggy bank. Since then, you've never saved again. You spend every check, every source of income as soon as you receive it.

Though the consequences of being Ready, But Not Open are sometimes positive (like being able to easily say "no" to peer pressure, douchebags, and jerks), it can still be disastrous to relationships--when you find yourself saying, "No thank you," to Mr. Right.

Ready AND Open

You're pretty prepared (emotionally, financially, and spiritually). You're on track for where you currently want to be in life. And you're open to opportunities as they come.

Those deep psychological, childhood problems are being resolved.

You know when to be closed (to guys that are bad for you) and when to be open (to guys that deserve a chance).

I haven't met a lot of Ready AND Open people. Usually, we fall into the other two categories. It takes wisdom, time, patience, and experience to be both Ready AND Open.

We're all reaching towards being Ready AND Open.  Which stage are you at right now?

Love,

Zabrinah

Can Love Like This Exist?

Here's the latest:

First of all, I love Jane Eyre. She is a good role model for people who want to look up to a character who went through tremendous adversity and still came out on top. Good for her.

Is this a "healthy" love?

Is this a healthy love? I think so.

Jane Eyre never deemed Mr. Rochester (or Edward, as she fondly calls him in the passage) as the center of her life until AFTER he admitted to liking her as more than a friend. Sure, she felt the chemistry between them, but she never imagined that they would end up together. Especially, since there were a lot of reasons for them not to embark on a relationship.

I believe this quote was taken near the end of the book where she finds her happily ever after. She is gushing about the guy she just committed her life too. 

I would do that, and more! I'd be like, "My man is the best and none of you can have him. He only loves me, so take that!"

All joking aside, my favorite part of the quote is this line:

"To be together is for us to be at once free as in solitude, as gay as in company."

I think they are both carrying out their own separate lives. They are two whole individuals, who have come together to create one, complete couple. And that is definitely an ideal to desire.

Love,

Zabrinah

A Guy Who Doesn't Treat You Right

Read 11 Ways to Gain Respect From Guys (click ME) first.

I've received a lot of emails about guys who are treating you horribly. I understand. This happens to me, too. In most of these cases, we complain about it to everyone but the guy who is mistreating us. We've all been there. We've stayed silent when it's important and spoken up about the most inconsequential problems. At the end of the day, we all have to figure it out:
What do you tell a guy who doesn't treat you right?

Step 2 of 11 Ways to Gain Respect From Guys is:

"Stop letting him get away with treating you like crap. You don’t need ultimatums to get him to respect you or start returning your phone calls. When he apologizes, forgive him and move on. If he refuses to change and you've had enough, simply tell him something along the lines of: “I really care about you. I accept and respect who you are, but this relationship isn’t working for me. I’m not getting what I need from it. But that’s okay, because you need to be who you are … I understand that I can’t change you, but I need to stay true to who I am, as well.” Now isn’t that a twist on the whole “It’s not you, it’s me” speech?!"

I want to expand on this and provide you with a little more dialogue. 

Before I share that, don't forget to follow the other 10 steps of not trying to change him, not bringing up his past failures, exhibiting patience, relieving stress, being humble, being calm & assertive, displaying how you truly feel, working on self-development, believing in yourself, and treating him with respect in return.  

What To Say

The Honest Approach: I feel like you don't respect me. 

It's as simple as that.

Give him reasons why. Remember to listen well to his response.

If he isn't interested in talking to you about this, well, it's time to move on. It's time to find a new guy. 

If he is interested in why you feel this way--even he doesn't understand where this is coming from--it's important to work with him on this.

Your guy doesn't have to read your mind. Most guys will not be able to. In fact, he can't. Guys Tell You (click ME). They're straightforward. Adapt to this and be just as direct as he is. You want somebody who is willing to listen and willing to work through the problems of your relationship.

If you find that after all your effort, he doesn't care and he still mistreats you, let the guy go.

Love,

Zabrinah

Like Him, But Not In Love With Him

Have you ever found yourself totally in love with someone you had recently only liked? And there was no transition from one phase to the other? It was suddenly: "BOOM! I'm in love with him." Seriously. How did that happen? Why it is always this way?
Why can't we just like him at a Level 1 ... and stay there?

Admiration vs. Desperation


A lot of us cannot register that fine line between admiring a guy and falling head-over-heels for a guy. 

We see all these lovely, admirable qualities and we like him. We think about these characteristics too much, and all of a sudden, we're stalking him. Again and again, we cross that line between thinking that he's pretty cool and thinking that he's our future husband. I've been guilty of this. And now, I'm pointing the finger at you. Don't act like you haven't done it.

So, how do we admire him appropriately? How do we like him without loving him? How do we honor The Pact? How do we remain at Level One?


No Pressure

For whatever reason, we get a lot of pressure coming from all directions, saying that we HAVE to be in a relationship to be happy, to be validated, to be normal. If we can somehow release this pressure, or better yet, not care about what everyone else is doing, we'll be a lot happier in relationships and life.

When admiring a guy, pick out the qualities that you're impressed with, and immediately start working on them in your own life. Don't make it be about him. This isn't for show. You're not trying to impress him. This is for you. You were admiring a quality for a reason. Use that initial momentum and inspiration to move you forward. This guy was just a reference point for a path of development in your own life.

Try it. This will prevent you being desperate and prematurely falling in love with someone who doesn't deserve your time and energy.

Hope this helped!

Love,

Zabrinah

My Interview With Hot Alpha Female

Recently, I caught up with Jennifer, a.k.a. Hot Alpha Female.
She let me know about the creation of her dating/relationships blog and some of the philosophies behind it.

Z: Your "About Me" page says that you started your blog because "someone needed to tell the truth". Can you elaborate on the specific things that encouraged you to start blogging?

J: When I started this blog, I was young, enthusiastic, and passionate to share my learning experiences of the dynamics between men and women, particularly when it came to attraction. There were two books that came to me at the right time. The first was, The Surrendered Single by Laura Doyle, which was a book for women on how their vulnerabilities were a strength rather than a weakness--to let these vulnerabilities shine rather than using control and manipulation to hide their fears. I've bought several copies of this book, but currently don't have one because I keep giving them away to my girlfriends.


The second book I read was David Deangelo's "Double Your Dating", which summarized a process by which men could consciously create attraction with women by doing and thinking certain things. I learned more about being a woman in that book than I had in anything else I had read or experienced. Reading two books, ending my first relationship (which lasted 3 years), and delving into the dating scene gave me a lot to think and write about. 


Z: One thing I admire is that you have no problem with being blunt and sincere with your readers. How did you become that way?


J: What I found after not much time at all was that men and women lie to each other and (most importantly) lie to themselves about what they really want. In denial of the truth, they could not make the progress they were really seeking--whether that was coming out of a relationship or getting into one they wanted. 


As Nathaniel Branden said, "You can't leave a place you have never been." Being honest with yourself can be painful in the moment. It will cause you to see things as they really are, as opposed to how you want them to be. But in the end, clarity is empowering and you can move powerfully into your future with the truth. Therefore, I believe the truth is a very good thing, and I want to share that with my readers. And, perhaps lend them a bit of mine so that they can find their own. 


Z: Your blog is geared toward guys who need dating advice. What are their most common dating/relationship concerns?

J: You would think that I would get a huge range of different scenarios, questions, and concerns from these guys. But, most of them are dealing with the same issues in slightly different forms. Essentially, guys are concerned with getting the interest and attention of one particular woman, whether it's a girl they saw at the shops/club/work, a girl that is their best friend, or a girl that they dated previously. 


Most of the time, they find it difficult to decide which move to make and how to go forward. Most of this stems from men minimizing themselves and their value in comparison to the women they desire. This leads to things like self-doubt, approval-seeking, hesitation, and frustration. I teach men to focus on becoming the most powerful version of themselves. There is nothing more attractive than a man who knows who he is and what he wants. This can be matched with an insightful understanding on the psychology of women that can make them an incredibly valuable asset in the dating market. 


Z: Which people in your life know about your blog and how did you tell them?


J: I guess most people know about the blog. My family were always supportive of the endeavors I chose to pursue, so I didn't have any trouble telling them. Nowadays, if it comes up in the conversation, people are pleasantly surprised and want to know more about it. Or, they will come up to me and mention they have read my blog. 


Z: What is the most rewarding aspect of blogging on this subject?


J: It's a two part process. The first is being able to put together random threads I have in my head about personal growth, attraction, dating, and relating; and then synthesizing them to a point where they seem to all come together where it makes sense. That's incredibly rewarding. It's like a mini-breakthrough-light-bulb moment. The second part is being able to share that information with my readers and see how it helps them with their lives.

Z: Your channel on Youtube has over 2 million views! What are the key differences between blogging and vlogging about dating & relationships?


J: I feel that they are pretty much the same. The only difference is who you are speaking to. Most of the people who come to the blog are selective. They are there for a reason and more than likely, they are curious and open to learning. On Youtube, the audience is much wider and there is less intimacy in some ways. There are a lot of people who are just "passing by" and will make random and unrelated comments based on limited information. So, you get a much wider range of feedback on your ideas. But, I enjoy it because it keeps me close to my loyal audience and helps me determine what their needs are so I can help them in that area.


Z: If you've ever been in a situation when you've liked a guy A LOT more than he liked you, what did you do?


J: What can you do really? There is no point in trying to play coy or manipulating him into liking you. You want someone around whom you can feel authentic. Honestly, spend the time making yourself feel good and valuable--and if he wants to share in that, good. And, if he doesn't, someone else will. It might sting a little at the time when your feelings are not reciprocated, but your best shot is appreciating yourself and not minimizing yourself in comparison to him. 


Z: What is one thing about dating & relationships that you wished you'd known before you started blogging?


J: People are always going to live accordingly to their values, not yours. It's nothing personal.


Thank you, Jennifer, for the interview and sharing your insight. 


You can read her blog HERE at www.hotalphafemale.com 
For access to her guide, Secrets to Gauging and Triggering a Woman's Attraction, click HERE or go to www.askhotalphafemale.com/newoffer

Love,


Zabrinah


Next Post: Like Him, But Not In Love With Him

How Do I Approach Him?

If you've read Dominant Energy (click ME), you know that I perceive "pursuing a guy" to be one of the key ways to mortify yourself or end up with a broken heart. You also know that it's a pretty controversial post on this blog. Now, I'm adjusting it a little because you shouldn't be dominant, but you shouldn't be submissive either! You have to find a balance that's right for you.

Basically, this is an article for those of you who want to follow Dominant Energy and The Pact and still feel like you're doing something.

How To Approach Him Without Really Approaching Him

I believe that in most cases, a guy needs a little encouragement in order to pursue. Just a little. This doesn't mean that he wants to be hunted down for a dinner date. What does it mean? Well, he's less likely to ask out a girl who is disgusted by him than someone who is friendly and displaying reciprocal behavior.

Here's how you can avoid being dominant energy, but continue to stay true to yourself:

1. Be generally friendly. Even if you're not a happy go-lucky, all smiley, type of person, you should be friendly to the guys you're a Level 1 and Level 2 for. You wouldn't be a Level 3, because you should never open up your heart to a guy before he admits to liking you as more than a friend.

2. Reciprocate what he initiates. Walk into the situation with mindset of a Level 1. You don't dislike him. I walked into a situation once, where there were many seats available. When I didn't sit next to a particularly attractive, nice guy I had recently met (didn't do this out of malice; I honestly just didn't consider it), he said something along the lines of, "Hey. What are you doing? Sit by me." After that encounter, it makes sense to sit next to him when the opportunity comes up. Now, does that mean I could jump to the conclusion that he liked me as more than a friend? No, not all. I was simply reciprocating what he initiates.

This last step just rewards him for taking small risks with you (for being friendly right back to you), and subtly encourages him to do it again.

If he makes fun of you in a cute way, you do the same. If he tries to teach you something (like golf or how to use an iPad) go along with it and try to teach him something later. Just be open and reciprocal. It's very easy, and you'll find that you do this with your platonic female friends all the time.

But through it all, you must think of him within the terms of a Level 2 and nothing more. That's the trickiest part. 

Now, you should only follow these steps if you're a Level 1 or Level 2 for a guy you admire. There are some guys that you would NEVER consider dating. EVER. EVER!

I don't think you need to worry about dominant energy with them. I sure don't.

But the minute you consider or daydream about being more than just friends, head back to this article, and you'll know what to do.

I hope this clears things up.

The concept of dominant energy has always seemed kind of simple to me. It's a given. Mostly because I'm so busy with things that I'm extremely passionate about (like this blog and my career), that I don't have time to actively pursue any guys. If someone wants me, he'll have to get my attention (not because I'm playing games or hard-to-get) and genuinely sweep me off my feet.

... and I'm okay with that happening.

Love,

Zabrinah

My Interview With The Single Filez Blogger

It is my pleasure to introduce the first interview in a series of bloggers who write about dating and relationships.


Starting us off is The Single Filez.

The Single Filez is a blogger from London who writes about her dating experiences, thoughts, and opinions as a single woman. I was very excited when she agreed to do this interview! 

Z: What is the best thing about being single?

TSF: I think there are many great things about being single. So much so, that there is actually a small part of me that worries about what I’d have to give up to be in a relationship. I mean, I get to be ridiculously selfish. I get to do whatever I want to do, how I want to do it and when I want to do it. It takes a certain type of person to be comfortable with being independent, but for those of us who are, it’s a very seductive way to be. There is an eHarmony ad (click ME) running on UK TV at the moment which I think captures it beautifully, it says "Being single can be amazing, so if you're going to give it up it has to be for someone who makes being in a couple the best thing in the world". 

Z: On your "About Me" page, you mentioned that you've never had a "friend with benefits". Tell us why?

TSF: Just because it’s not my style. Personally, it’s not something that I’d feel comfortable with. Sometimes I wish I was! I’ve had offers, and lord knows I’m now at the point where I could do with a lil lovin’ (ahem) but realistically, I’m part of an endangered species in that I feel sex is more special than that. I don’t sleep around for the sake of it and prefer to have sex with a guy only if it feels as though it’s something that’s ‘going somewhere’. The down side of this? It means that due to my current long-ass bout of singledom, that I’m not having any sex, at all. I wrote this post (click ME) about being celibate back in July 2010, and let’s just say… nothing’s changed!

Z: Have you ever told any of your dates about your blog? Do any of the guys in your life know?

TSF: Nope. I’ve never told any of my dates about my blog. There are only a handful of friends who know about my blog. In fact, I’ve been doing this for nearly two years and not even my family knows about my blog! Sometimes I’d like to shout about my achievements to my loved ones but then I remember the amount of personal stuff I share. I’m not quite ready for everyone to know certain things about me – hence being anonymous.

Z: What is the most rewarding part about blogging?

TSF: For me the most rewarding part about blogging is the new opportunities it has brought my way. Thanks to blogging I have a met new people who I now consider friends. I have new girlfriends I regularly hang out with here in London, as well as a range of acquaintances I’ve hung out with during trips to the US and Canada.

Something else I find rewarding is knowing that I’m not alone. Some of my readers are going through the same things I am and feel the same way that I do. Sometimes, there’s nothing like knowing you’re in good company!

Z: How do you deal with friends/family when they're on your case about not having a serious relationship?

TSF: My friends and family don’t get on my case. Apart from a couple of throwaway comments from my Dad on how he’d like to be a grandfather, my family doesn’t pressure me about it all. Obviously they’d love for me to not be alone and they don’t understand why it’s been so hard for me to find someone special, but at the same time they accept me for the person I am and they just let me be me.

Z: How do you, personally, take the anxiety out of dating and just have fun with it?

TSF: That was the whole reason for the blog in the first place; to make dating less serious and stressful, and to have fun with it.   Being able to share stories about disastrous dates definitely helps.

Z: If you've ever been in  a situation when you've liked a guy A LOT more than he liked you, what did you do?

TSF: Oh gosh, yes, many times! My experiences with those sorts of guys always usually result in ‘The Fade-Out’. You know that classic move guys like to do, where one minute everything is hunky-dory and then the next thing you know, they don’t return calls, texts or emails?  The worst situation I’d been in like that was with ‘the one I thought could be the one’ (click ME) … trying to explain that story on the blog was so difficult; it ended up being stretched over four blog posts!

Z: What is one thing that you wished you'd known 2 years ago?

TSF: This is a great question! I’ve often thought about what I would do if I could turn back time. Mind you, I wouldn’t turn back the clock just 2 years, I’d turn it back to 1998… when I spent six months in Canada and had an awesome three of those months with a guy who I have never seen since. If I could speak to myself in 1998, I would say “Me, you need to stick it out with this guy. So what if you’re thousands of miles apart. Stay in touch. Invite him to England. See him whenever you’re in Canada. He’s a good egg and you just never know where it could go…”

Alas, I didn’t stay in touch with him and fast forward how many years later, despite Facebook/Twitter searches, I’ve never been able to locate him again. The moral of the story? Don’t be afraid to take risks, people!

Thanks, The Single Filez, for the interview!

Love,

Zabrinah

Next Post: How Do I Approach Him?