Guest Post: How To Be A Matchmaker

Z-Note: Hey, everybody. This is a GUEST POST written by ELLIE MOON. I only made the little cartoon. Read her bio at the end of this article! And please enjoy!

WRITTEN BY ELLIE MOON:

This is an honest account of how I have been helping a friend of mine search for love, and how you might learn from her latest date. It’s been a difficult job, and we are not there yet. But maybe, through this take, you might see some of the pitfalls she encountered.

My Friend

Kate is a great girl. Age 44, a single mother, a teacher, academic and wonderfully different. She is pretty, highly intelligent and a little quirky, as well as being quite perfect wife material for someone inclined that way. Her son is six, and a delight. It is high time that a man recognised her wonderful qualities and snapped her up. So what’s the problem? Things seldom get beyond a first date, and although I feel she can be somewhat cautious, it is often the men who put her off. My solution to this is to try to get her to see how what appears to be awkwardness can in fact be simply nerves on their part.

Being Kind To Men

I feel sorry for men. They are under so much pressure. A date is like a performance, and they are just like us, usually. They get performance anxiety; they don’t know what to say, so they say too much. Or too little. They know they are meant to be making everything go with a swing and making you laugh. But women can be hard work. My advice is to cut them a little slack on a first date. My friend can seem quite critical of men’s first date performance. She recently shared a coffee with a medic, who had lost his wife to cancer two years previously. He the time with stories of his work, which were quite gory in places. Within twenty minutes she told me the stories had killed the romance. She was waiting to be charmed, he was so nervous he just talked and talked.

When we discussed the date she said he’d been great fun, she’s forgotten she was on a date, and it was like being out with a really good friend. I though this sounded really positive! But, for her, the romance had died by the second or third medical story. I could see it was a bit of a losing battle.

Oversharing

One of the classic mistakes men and women make on a first date is to ‘overshare’. By doing this, they strip away an element of mystique from themselves, which is what drives the desire for the other person to want to know more. It’s like reading a synopsis of a book without having to go to the trouble of reading the whole thing. Why would you? If you expose your innermost feelings before the other person has even decided whether they like you or not, you are pre-empting an essential part of the courtship process. Hold back.

The medic had not thought that by treating my friend like a friend, and in fact like a colleague, he was turning her off. He just thought he was being open and funny and telling her about his life. But by describing your career in such detail over the course of a date, you can end up leaving the other person feeling excluded and perplexed. You can come across as ‘wedded to your work’ leading to doubts about the time you may have for a partner.

My Advice

I told my friend to be honest with the man. She liked him, but could not get beyond the over-sharing element of the date. However, he sounded like a lovely man. I suggested that, as she found his company relaxing and entertaining, she should give him a chance to make amends. Make the date more formal perhaps (thus foregrounding the romance over the friendship element) and say to him that you’d like to get to know him better as a person, outside of his work. This would give him the cue to tone things down on the graphic operation details, and let his true self shine through. I told her to put it down to nerves and to give him a chance.

Outcome

She did as I suggested. They went out for dinner and he told her more about his wife’s death, and his two children. She talked about her own son. But in the end, she felt the chemistry was not there. Somehow they had gone from 0-60 mph in the course of two meetings, and she did not return the hug he gave her in the car-park as they said goodbye. Two days later she phoned him and was gently honest. There is no point in dragging these things out, and she has become a master of the gentle exit, at my urging. Don’t waste time trying with the wrong person. But do be honest and leave things if they are not working out. But gently. He took it well, and she wished him all the best. I am sure both of them will find the right person in the end. It’s important not to be personally wounded by things not working out. Everyone is different. And there is someone out there for everyone. It’s just a question of finding them.

I will carry on matchmaking for my friend. She’s adorable. It’s just that Mr Right has not crossed her path yet. He will, and I shall be so happy when he does, for I can think of no-one better for her, and no-one better for him.

Ellie Moon is a writer and researcher based in London who moonlights as a matchmaker for her friends. From the comfort of her leather loveseat she both taps away at her keyboard producing articles and blogs for a range of client and keeps her phone in her hand advising her friends how to avoid relationship faux pas.