Recall one of my recent posts: It's A Choice (click HERE).
Crush vs. Love
A lot of us tend to believe that love is simply the deepening of a crush. But, I don't consider love to be just a feeling. The fact that some people do, explains why the divorce rate is so high.
Why?
Feeling change. Feelings fade. He might not always make your heart beat faster. He might annoy you for an entire year. What do you do then? What do you rely on when your feelings can't be trusted?
How many crushes can you look back on now, realizing that they were a complete and utter mistake? I have at least seven of those.
A crush or feelings of lust can be instant. When people say "love at first sight", I assume that they're referring to emotions only. That fluttering feeling in their stomach--and the quickening of their heart. But, love is something deeper--it typically begins with that feeling, but it doesn't end there.
Love has to do with acceptance, self-sacrifice, communication, and most importantly: commitment.
Saying "I love you" is a commitment.
If you've ever wanted to change a man you supposedly love for any reason, please read:
Seamlessly Integrate (click HERE)
Yes and no. I don't think you can learn the first phase--the crush part. It's either there or it isn't. You're either attracted to him or you're not. But, you can certainly learn to commit to someone. To accept his flaws and go on with your day.
Hope this helped!
Love,
Zabrinah
Another good post.
ReplyDeleteI am actually being pursued by an unsuitable gentleman right now. He knows how to love very well and I think he would be a very good husband. He treats me perfectly and is very charming. Actually, if anyone witnessed his behaviour with me, they may feel it was unreal, so gentlemanly and romantic and like something from a movie. He is just perfect in all aspects of his behaviour. So perfect that I will admit to you that I thought it might be just too good to be true and could he be hiding a very dodgey something in his past or present!
Anyway, unfortunately I am not physically attracted to him at all and he does not meet many of my basic criteria. He feels in love with me because I match all *his* criteria.
Simultaneously I find myself thinking often about my longterm major crush, whom I sometimes think I love. Although this crush does not want me, he reminds me of the importance of attraction and the necessity to match most of our basic criteria if we are to feel a deep fulfilment with our lifelong partner.
This unexpected situation with the unsuitable, charming and loving gentleman (to whom I have repeatedly told that there will be no future between us) makes me sad though, because I am his perfect match but he is not mine. I don't want to hurt him and I can certainly learn to love him - I secretly sometimes feel like telling him I love him because he really makes me feel love between us...BUT I don't think I am IN love with him...because I am not attracted to him physically at all. And as he also does not meet much of my basic criteria, I wish to avoid problems that will occur in the future. Therefore, I put down limits for my behaviour with him. However it's very hard not to let oneself get carried away and enjoy the love and attention of a seemingly good man.
Summary: I totally agree with your post!
Interesting dilemma you've got there. So with the "unsuitable gentleman", other than being physically attracted to someone (which I must admit, is important), what are your other basic criteria?
ReplyDeleteIt also seems like you have a lot of barriers here, stopping you from being happy! But, if the physical's not there, it's just not there.
~Z
Ok I was hoping you'd ask me about my criteria, haha, as I was liking the idea of thinking out aloud with you here.
ReplyDeleteHe is much older (well over a decade...and ideally I wouldn't want an age gap more than a handful of years..I would like someone closer to my age to experience life with and grow with), he is divorced (I understand the reasons why but I've never been married so I prefer to marry someone who has not married before), he has 2 young kids (whom he hardly sees and wishes he had custody of and ideally I want to experience parenthood with my husband who is experiencing it with me for the first time), he wants to live abroad (although he is willing to relocate for me after knowing me for very little time!). All that aside, there is the appearance. He in no way has any aspect of what I find attractive. I am sure some ladies would find him attractive but he is just not my type at all, in any way. Not only is he much older but he looks older than his age too. So it is just "not there" as you said, despite my effort to think about my criteria in a different way.
He really has tried hard to convince me to just consider thinking of him in a romantic way and there are many positive things I could say about his personality. I enjoy his friendship and I've learned alot through knowing him. However I haven't been in this situation before, where an older man like him has pursued me, and I'm not comfortable with it. I almost feel guilty communicating with him whenever I remember his age, because I feel that he is closer to my father's generation rather than mine, and that makes me feel awkward. Possibly because my family would disapprove based on this man's "specifications". If they got to know him though I am sure they would like his personality.
When I first met him, I hoped to set him up with my good friend. Unfortunately she is not his type.
The irony is that just before I met him, another younger friend of mine was in a relationship with a similar man and for various justifiable reasons I felt they were not at all a suitable match (he was not a good personality at all). My siblings (who also firmly disapproved of that match) asked me if I could ever see myself in such a relationship (partly due to older age, divorced, child) and I thought I could never. My friend finally came to her senses and ended that unhealthy relationship, but then the first man to show interest in me since her break up was this "unsuitable gentleman" whose statistics on paper were somewhat similar to unhealthy ex of my friend. The phrase "never say never" comes to mind but nonetheless, I really feel no physical chemistry at all with this kind man.
So, what do you think Z?
I'm not the guru here, but it sounds like although he knows how to love well, he doesn't know how to love YOU well. He doesn't know how to stimulate your passions or excitement. In my opinion, you can't force it. I've certainly been in positions where my feelings have grown stronger - even love - for someone whom I'd been lukewarm about or just physically attracted to in the beginning, but it sounds like you're approaching this situation with your head, not your heart. One point of consideration - in your description for Zabrinah, you didn't say one thing that you were attracted to about him besides the fact that he lavishes you with attention. Which could probably get boring fast.
ReplyDeleteGood advice Anonymous #2! I FULLY agree. It's true that he doesn't know how to love YOU well because he lacks some essential criteria.
ReplyDelete:)
I'd like to add that because the physical chemistry is a no-go, be sure to guard your heart--lock it down! Don't change your mind because of desperation or loneliness. Don't fall into the trap of, "I might be alone forever. Maybe I should give him a chance,". The minute you do that, you'll be wasting your energy, but more importantly, your time.
~Z
Thank you both. I especially needed your last paragraph Z :)
ReplyDeleteI must say though that I am stuck on "he doesn't know how to love you well". What does this mean?
He lacks some of my basic criteria, yes. But the missing criteria are not ones that influence his ability to love me well? For example, age.
I felt he is already loving me well. Surprisingly, I do feel stimulated, excited, emotionally fulfilled and other adjectives. The problem is (a) physical chemistry wasn't there (b) his background is not ideal and may cause future difficulty.
So isn't it me who is unable to love him fully, rather than the other way around?
This partnership is not one that should be pursued, we all agree. I am just trying to analyse it and fully understand my feelings and your comments so that I will know better for the future.
Hey, again! Have you read the post, "Your #1 Deal Breaker"?
ReplyDeleteWhen a guy loves YOU well, he doesn't lack any of the basic criteria. For you to be happy in a relationship, you need someone patient, kind, selfless, hopeful, calm ... etc .. AND physically attractive to you. You BOTH have to find each other physically attractive or you'll be forcing something that's not necessarily meant to be.
Also, PLEASE read the post: Why Hot Girls End Up With Average Guys http://www.zabrinah.com/2011/02/why-hot-girls-end-up-with-average-guys.html
Keep in mind what I said in my last comment.
This should help!
~Zabrinah
Thank you Z :) Took alot of courage for me to open up here so I appreciate your effort in replying. Wishing you the most perfect future. God bless.
ReplyDeleteNo problem! It was my pleasure!
ReplyDelete~Z