The Exclusivity Talk

Z-note: The idea for this entire post came to me from an email.

Girl: Are we exclusive yet?

Guy: I don't know.

Girl: What do you mean?

Guy: I spend most of my time with you. Who else could I be seeing?

Girl: Yay! WE ARE EXCLUSIVE!

Let's get real here. Bringing up The Exclusivity Talk out of nowhere is Dominant Energy. Only the pursuer would eagerly want to define the relationship with a label.

And sometimes, we bring up the exclusivity talk only to reel him into making a commitment he's not ready to make. We want that commitment. We feel like we need that commitment. We'll take it in writing, in an email, in a voice mail, in a text message! There's nothing wrong with feeling the urge to "tie him down" or find out "where you stand". The age-old question tends to haunt us:

How does he really feel about me? 

But, at the end of the day, I think that exclusivity talks are no better than giving him an ultimatum. Why? Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he may say "yes", and inadvertently hurt you a million times worse down the road (when he meets a woman he really wants to commit to). It happened in the movie He's Just Not That Into You. It could happen in your life, as well.

Ultimatums work in the short-term. He feels the pressure. He doesn't want to hurt you. He doesn't want you to start crying. So, he says, "Yes." You just manipulated your way into a relationship with an unwilling boyfriend, fiancé, or husband.

I have a better alternative.

The Best Way To Find Out

If you want to know if you're exclusive with him or not, follow these steps:

Step One: Talk about your goals and what you expect from the future.

Step Two: Figure out if he knows how to love you well.

Step Three: By the time you get this far, HIS ACTIONS will certainly show whether he wants to be exclusive or not.

I don't want people to read this article and think, "If I stay quiet about it, he'll definitely let me know that we're exclusive," or "Zabrinah never lets me initiate anything!". 

I'm just trying to prevent you from a situation where the guy you like is worried about hurting your feelings. Sure, he might stick around if you push the right buttons, but do you realize how humiliating that is? None of us deserve a boyfriend that pities us--that's only sticking around because there's currently no one better.

Most guys don't want to make girls cry--especially the ones that like them. Most guys are pretty decent. But, they operate differently than we do. And it's up to us to acknowledge the differences and find out what works for us.

Conclusion

Just be perceptive and patient, and you'll KNOW--without a doubt-whether you're exclusive or not.

If you're legitimately having trouble with a guy who won't commit, read:

The Non-Committal Guy

Love,

Zabrinah

P.S. Can't wait to get some feedback on this post!