Is My Crush Shy?

So, I heard that the guy I like right now is, like, really, really shy. Like, painfully shy. Like, too-scared-to-ever-ask-me-out-but-stares-at-me-longingly-from-afar-and-makes-diary-entries-about-me-and-talks-to-his-parents-and-friends-about-me-but-is-too-afraid-to-ever-approach-me shy. At least, that's what I heard. And I think it's so cute he feels this way. Knowing all of this to be true, can I make the first move? I mean, he must like me, right? ALL of my friends say he's just too shy to do anything about it.

NO. No guy is or ever will be or ever has been this shy. When we behave this way and choose to believe these things, it makes me wonder if we even know what the definition of shy is.

There is a big difference between 

being "shy" and being "passive". 

The Misdiagnosis 

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines SHY as "easily frightened", "disposed to avoid a person or thing", and "hesitant in committing oneself". I'm guessing that the second and third descriptions are what appeal to you the most, when considering if your crush is shy.

HOWEVER, when describing your DREAM MAN, your ideal, future, wonderful husband, the man that will be the father of all your giggling babies, could you even imagine describing him to your friends and family as this?

MOM: Tell me about your new boyfriend!

BEST FRIEND: Yeah! We've been dying to hear about him.

YOU: Um.Well, he's easily frightened. He avoids me and other things. A lot. And overall, I would have to say that he's extremely hesitant to commit himself to me.

That's your reality if you somehow get with an actual shy guy. Do you see how this is a terrible situation? A guy who is actually shy doesn't have the best qualities or personality traits. No matter how attractive this person was, I would certainly find myself becoming less attracted to him and more annoyed with his behavior towards me. Remember again, that you cannot change people. From the moment you meet him, you have to be okay with who that person is, without saying in the back of your mind, "No need to worry. I'll (figuratively) beat the shy out of him when we're married." No, my friends. That's not going to happen.

Anyway, MOST guys that you think are shy ... just aren't. They're just:

1. Not into you. This is true 90% of the time, especially from the years of elementary school until college. Not even joking right now. A solid 90% of the time, when you think a "shy" guy likes you, he really doesn't have any interest in pursuing, or doing more than stare. He's not actually into you--please refer to #2.

2. Simply admiring the fact that they find you attractive. Remember The Survival Guide To Attraction (right HERE).

3. Passive. You are crushing on a PASSIVE guy, not a shy one.

Shy vs. Passive

You most often hear the word passive when it's connected to the word aggressive. Hey, I even used it in my last post where I discussed the movie, "The Muppets". But being a passive person is something different.

Oxford English Dictionary describes PASSIVE as "accepting or allowing what happens or what others do, without active response or resistance". This definition should hit home for you.

He knows that you like him. He found out either because your friends told his friends (or him directly) or simply due to the way you act around him (i.e. The Switch). Now that he knows, he'll stare at you and look away. He'll brush past you when he's walking down the hall. He'll stare you again. He'll look away at you again. He'll avoid eye contact on his terms. He'll make you think that he's shy and that's why he's not acting on this "crush". However, even if that's true and he does, in fact like you, this type of behavior soon becomes "less cute" and more frustrating.

All guys struggle with passivity at certain points in life, but you don't want to involve yourself with one who dwells in that place.

Why not? Because he'll be passive on dates. Passive in engagement. And if you somehow cling onto this one-sided relationship for long enough, passive in marriage. Passive in divorce. Whatever you decide, he won't humor you with a response--positive or negative--because he's passive. At first, you'll be thrilled to have "so much control" in the relationship. But, it will wear down on you. You'll expect more from him and begin to ask him, "What kind of man are you?". Remember how you need two whole people to create a healthy relationship. A passive guy is only half of a real person. You cannot establish any kind of relationship on that.

I don't think there's a reason to wonder if your crush is shy. You don't want a shy or passive guy. I want you to desire a guy who is tempted to say nothing, but speaks up anyhow. Who is afraid to approach you, but shows up at your door with flowers. Who is terrified of your answer, but asks anyway.

"Courage is not the absence of fear. It's doing what you're afraid to do. It's having the power to let go of the familiar and forge ahead into new territory." 

~John Maxwell

Love,

Zabrinah