The Steps of Intimacy

Out of sight, out of mind. It's a common phrase that I recently found some truth in. Sometimes, we struggle with an unrelenting crush on a guy that we shouldn't dare be involved with. And we find it difficult to get over him. Why? Because he's always there! We see him often in a certain environment. In that case, how can we get out of sight, out of mind to work to our advantage? 

Your New Goal: Without hostility, create some distance between you and the guy you should not be entranced with.

The Steps of Intimacy

The minute our friends and family tell us to create some distance from him, we come up with all sorts of excuses, like, "He's in my class! What do you want me to do? Not talk to him?" or "He's an integral part of our office! I couldn't stay away from him if I tried!" If you have a mentality that comes up with excuses like these, feel free to stop reading. But, if you want to release the grip this guy has on you, please continue.

Author, Shannon Ethridge, describes "The Steps of Intimacy" as something that every couple goes through. And even though you may not be dating this guy, you could still be higher up on the staircase than you originally intended. You might be going through the motions of a couple without actually being one. The following are Ethridge's steps:

1. Eye to Body (just noticing someone's level of attractiveness)
2. Eye to Eye (making eye contact)
3. Voice to Voice (having a conversation)
4. Hand to Hand (walking around, holding hands)
5. Hand to Shoulder (sitting in that movie theater...)
6. Hand to Waist (claiming to everyone that you're his)
7. Face to Face (kissing)
8. Hand to Head (He lovingly touches your hair and vice versa)

Based on what YOU communicate, a guy will travel up these steps until he gets to the end of your emotional staircase. In a lot of circumstances (like dating someone who is perfectly nice and into you, for example), this is a lovely natural progression of a very promising relationship. But, in other situations (when you're crushing on a guy who doesn't care about you, but will use you, anyway), you need to back up and try to get as low as you can on those steps of intimacy.

If you are a Level 3 who desperately wants to be a Level 1, these steps of intimacy could be the key to your problems. You must slowly go back down the steps, one by one.

It's hard to go back down the steps. Once he says, "Hi" to you once, he's going to keep saying, "Hi". Once he holds your hand for the first time, he'll do it more easily and more naturally the second time. It's a grueling process, but not impossible. You naturally want to keep doing what you're doing, and that's what makes going backwards ... difficult. But, stand firm in your decision. If he's not good for your life, set boundaries!

For my own sanity, I once had to stop a guy from saying, "Hi" to me because I knew he would start a long conversation. Even in a small space, I didn't put myself in positions where he would feel comfortable to come over and talk to me. I didn't want to get to Step 3: Voice to Voice. He would woo me back into having a crush on him. Go back down those steps. Once you accomplish this, you will truly have the feelings of a Level One towards him: out of sight, out of mind.

I hope this helped.

Love,

Zabrinah