Here's the latest (a continuation of this email/post HERE):
You observe a religion that he doesn't. Or vice versa. Either way, your relationship--or your potential relationship--has a problem.
This isn't the first time I've received this question. We all consider it--at least for a split second. We've all considered dating someone that everyone and everything else said we shouldn't be with. We're into that whole forbidden love thing (Romeo & Juliet, Twilight, Tristan & Isolde, Vampire Diaries, True Blood). In every movie, in every television show, there's some inherent problem--some HUGE conflict that keeps the main characters from initially being together. They're in love but they have to fight to be a couple. For some reason, we watch these things and then automatically want them for our lives. We become addicted to the thrill we get just by reading/watching. What happens next? We need an emotional outlet. Who can we release all these feelings on? We look for a guy who is the total opposite of us in some way. We look for the conflict. We find someone that our friends and families would disagree with for solid, sincere reasons. And they we fight to be together.
A year ago, I watched MTV's True Life: I'm in an Inter-Faith Relationship. And the couples suffered. They certainly fought and seemed close to giving up, simply because they were following different faiths. To be honest, that episode was all I needed in order to release the "forbidden love" obsession in my life.
The following is a list of steps/suggestions I came up with, specifically pertaining to this email.
My Specific Suggestions:
1. Stop sensationalizing. None of us get to call a crush a "gem for life" until we're engaged to him. Even then ... A "gem" is what you call your hubby, when everything's set in stone (a play on words!).
2. Don't fool yourself anymore. You're very far past platonic in the way that you exalt him with your words. So, you'll never have a platonic relationship with him--not on your side of the situation, at least.
3. That's not how .001% Rule works. It basically means that he'll never ever change, so don't bet on it. Click ME to read the article again.
What's my bottom-line advice for everyone?
This blog is about fighting to break free of our persistent relationship problems. However, I don't think we should willingly walk into a relationship where we KNOW we're going to have to fight 100 times more than the other couples who don't have the religion problem. It may seem romantic now, but it won't feel that way later.
Calm down. Take a breath. You cannot make an important decision like this one without objectivity. On your own, you have no objectivity. Inspect the TV shows and genre of movies that you're currently watching. Are they all about forbidden love? Following your heart no matter what? Do you enjoy the thought of having your emotions rule your life? I used to. If you answered yes, yes, and yes. Then we already have a problem. You are no longer able to make your own relationship decisions when it comes to the religion problem.
Listen to those who have your best interest in mind. Seriously. Not your friends who think he's cute. Not the unstable family members. Take a poll from some objective, morally strong, emotionally stable, happy people before you go diving into a relationship.
If you believe in God, ASK HIM! Then WAIT for a definite answer (not what you want to hear three seconds after your prayer). He'll tell you what to do.
The Experiment
If you're still being stubborn or feeling confused, then you're the perfect candidate for this little experiment.
Go find someone who shares your faith that you trust. He or she should be a kind person that you would admire (and have no romantic interests in). A good suggestion for some people would be a Bible Study leader who is already married and has been that way for a while. Ask him/her the following questions:
1. What do you think about dating someone outside of the faith?
2. Would you do it?
3. Why would/wouldn't you?
4. What would the problems be and could you use facts from our faith to back it up?
5. Did you ever want to/Did you ever date someone outside of our faith? What were the ups and downs?
Continue asking questions along this vein. After your mentor has answered these questions, go to your journal and write down what the answers were. Look back at them whenever you feel stubborn or confused on this topic again.
Hope this helps. And I hope it convicted some of you who are just looking for a forbidden love--for someone that everyone tells you to stay away from. You need to be convicted! Back when it happened to me, I sure was.
Love,
Zabrinah
I just wanna say thanks to the person who sent in this e-mail! I feel like I'm going through the same issues in deciding whether or not it is worth it to date someone outside of my religion and see if it would work. It's an issue but your advice is spot on! :)
ReplyDeleteZ,
ReplyDeleteI like your approach on this topic/problem. Very good advice here. Thank you for addressing this subject.
I have really enjoyed your blog, but here you're over-generalizing. My maternal grandparents (from two different religions) were happily married for 57 years. The rest of the family on both sides includes more intermarriages than non-intermarriages and the only divorce happens to be a non-intermarried couple. One thing that I do observe is that all of them are either apathetic about their religion or, for those who do actually care/observe, they don't expect their partner/spouse to join them in their beliefs/observances. So yes, if you are religious AND care about your partner/spouse sharing that with you then of course it's important to have the same religious views/level of observance. Just like if you really want your partner/spouse to share any other particular aspect with you (such as political views) then you would want them to share that same interest/outlook. All of us have our own deal breakers. For some religion is a dealbreaker but for others it isn't. Simply telling people that religion is always a dealbreaker for everyone in every situation, and that a relationship with someone with different views on religion cannot work, categorically, is too broad of a generalization.
ReplyDeleteHey Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your comment (and all the comments on this post)!!! Yay!!!!
For some people, religion is definitely going to be a problem, and for others, it won't. It all depends on the exact situation. If it is a deal breaker, then this particular post will be useful. If it's not, then there's no reason to read something entitled, "The Religion Problem".
I can definitely relate to this problem. I dismissed guys that are not of my religion or are not as religious as I am. This was a major problem between my first boyfriend and me. I had met him in my English class. We became friends instantly, and we started dating at the end of fall semester. We were both Christians but from different denominations. Even though we were strong in our religions, we visited each other's church once a month. Sadly, a week after our high school homecoming dance, he dumped me for a girl that went to his church. He said that I wasn't what an ideal Christian girl should be. Having dated for ten months, I was very heartbroken. Soon after we broke up, I noticed how he criticized everyone who didn't believe, think, or act like him. AND NO ONE SHOULD BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS LIKE THIS WHETHER THEY BE A LOVE INTEREST OR A FRIEND! So, thank you Z and whomever sent this email. I wished that this was out a year ago.
ReplyDeleteTo Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to intermarriages too, but only to some extent. My father was Catholic and my mother was a nondenominational Christian. They have been happily married for 19 years. But, my father changed to my mother's religion when I was in first grade. And they are the only ones still married on my father's side. But, I have to say that you shouldn't try to change the other person to your religion if they don't want to. If a person is not willing to change their religion or accept your beliefs, then they are not worth your time. And, if you are with someone from a different religion, just think how this might be a problem in the future(e.g. fights with inlaws, fights over what religion your children should follow, fights with your family, etc.) I don't think that it is wrong to date someone outside your religion, but I must warn you that religion differences cause problems sometimes. Please protect your hearts.
Religion is not that of a problem here but more of respect with each other. If you truly love a person, it wouldn't matter what religion he is. Because with true love, you should not only accept who and what he is, but also what he's not.
ReplyDelete