Dear Zabrinah: When He's Mean To You

Here's the latest:

He's always trying to get your attention in negative ways. He asks rude questions (click ME for Why Would He Ask That?). He pushes you out of the way when you're walking down the hall. He's a full-out bully. It's negative attention, but it's still attention to you. You crave for some validation and this guy's treating you differently from any other girl. You feel special. Everyone's telling you that he's doing this because he likes you. But, I'm going to tell you something different ...

The following is an excerpt He's Just Not That Into You:

GIGI 

(age 6, explaining what a little boy said to her)

Made ... of ... dog ... poo. 

MOTHER:

Honey ... do you know why that little boy did those things and said those things? It's because he likes you.

GIGI:

(an adult now, speaking in a voice over) 

And there it is. That's the beginning of our problem... Do you know what this means? We're all encouraged--no programmed--to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk, that means he likes you....Why do we say this stuff to each other? Is it possible because we're too scared? And it's too hard to say the one obvious truth that's staring everyone in the face...?

If you haven't seen the film, I do recommend it. However, you kind of have to ignore the Hollywood ending that contradicts all of the good advice in there. 

Question: When a guy is mean to you, does that mean he likes you?

Answer: It doesn't matter whether he likes you or not, why on earth would you want somebody like that? 

Why would you even WONDER with a guy like that?

When a guy is mean to you or makes you feel bad about yourself, why would care about his motives for doing so? We all know that bullies have low self-esteem. If you believe that he likes you on top of that, what good would that do? How would that help you improve the situation? It wouldn't. The moment you start considering that he likes you, it only goes downhill from there.

A guy who really wants to play with your heart will mix the bullying in with some flirting and compliments. However, he's just looking for a girl with self-esteem as low as his. Do not fall for him. This is the one time where 1 + 1 won't equal 2. The both of you (with low self-esteem) combined will receive the composite score of 40% of just one totally healthy person (when there should be two in every relationship). 

Do you really want a guy whose form of affection is bullying you? Is that really what makes you feel special? If so, we have a strong indication of a self-esteem problem. To beat it, you must know that you deserve better. You deserve a guy who shows affection by staying up with you all night when you're sick and making soup for you in the morning. 

I'm very happy to clarify that once and for all.

Don't believe the hype.

Love,

Zabrinah