Dear Zabrinah: How To Reject A Guy

Here's the latest:

It's flattering how much he likes you, but his transparent persistence is getting to be a bit bothersome? It's almost unnerving how many times you have to "hint" that you're not into him. And your friends think it's adorable--his infatuation with you. This happens over and over again. So, what's the safest way to reject him?

Step One: NEVER EVER leave it up to hints. This is easily the most important step. It's what we all do wrong. If not made crystal clear, hints create a legion of creepers who text you when you don't want to be bothered. Don't just hint that you're not interested. A rejection is a rejection. You cannot leave it up to ambiguity, simply because you want to seem nice. I've learned the hard way that it never works. Here are a series of mixed signals we often send without realizing it:

• We text him back. You're always responding to his advances. Even when you roll your eyes at each text, you still reply. This makes you seem interested. 
• We push it off until later. When he asks you to hang out, you say, "I'm actually really busy" or "I have something to do. Maybe some other time?" If you're going to turn him down, turn him down. That's the nicest thing you can do. If you tell him later, he'll ask you again! Some people just don't get the message.
• We make excuses that aren't blatant "no's" or transfer the blame. Just adding on to the previous bullet, we often don't want to be the bad guy. You say stuff like, "My boss just gave me so much to do this weekend" or "My teacher just piled on the homework. I just don't think I can make it." You know what that sounds like? It sounds like you're still interested! Don't say it if you're not!
• We're EXCESSIVELY nice about it. You keep saying, "I'm sorry" or smiling at him from afar, or just giving mixed signals. 

No vagueness allowed. When actors perform as different characters, they have to make solid, bold choices, or else they'd just end up playing themselves in every role. But, with clear intentions, and risk-taking vulnerability, you willingly believe that Saoirse Ronan (from Hanna) is a sixteen-year-old assassin (yes, I watched that movie. How's that for a relevant pop-culture reference?). Well, she convinced me.

Unfortunately, the truth in reality is not always as convincing as we'd like it to be. You need to propel your vulnerability into the intention of telling him, "I'm not interested."

What do you mean by vulnerability?

Yes, it's vulnerable to have someone tell you "no". But, I also believe that it's just as vulnerable to be the person saying it. To be the one dealing out rejection is scary. You stand there wondering if this person will hate you or think you're a bad person, if you do this. Well, here's a quote from When To Say "No":

"The Fears

1. You’re afraid of confrontation.

2. You’re afraid of rejection. 

3. You’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.

4. You’re afraid of negatively altering someone’s image of you."

Now, if any of the four fears of saying "no" resonate with you, please read ME. 

Step Two: Resist the urge to hate him. I don't know about you, but I find it super easy to really love a guy or really hate him. A lot of us do not explore the feelings in between. We either want him to come closer or go very very far away. I don't exactly know why that is. I guess we're just passionate people.

Read LOVE Him. HATE Him right HERE.

As long as you are clearly saying no, there should be nothing to worry about. I'd say the steps listed above work 99.9% of the time. However, there are those persistent creepers. There are guys that won't leave you alone no matter how many times you say no. That is a whole other issue, and if it is happening to you, seek outside help. If a guy is not respecting your space or making you feel uncomfortable, let someone know who can help.

Love,

Zabrinah