Dear Zabrinah: Are My Standards Too High?

Here's the latest: 

And here's my response (I couldn't screen capture the email because it was too long):

Hey!

I used to have the SAME exact problem. There were definite times when I would ask myself if my basic standards were just TOO difficult for the average guy to adhere to. However, I found the ultimate solution with Your #1 Deal breaker. Like a lot of women, I want a guy who's taller than me, yet still friendly, outgoing, compassionate ...etc, but all we really need is a shift in focus. 

Now I applaud you greatly for having a list of standards at all. So many of us run out there, crushing on whoever happens to exist, with no regard to his character or the qualities he possesses. However, it's more beneficial to switch your focus to something broader ... that still encompasses all the awesome qualities youNEED and not just the ones you WANT and idealize while you're single.

When wondering, "who should I date?", you must always reply with "someone who knows how to love me well". If a guy OBVIOUSLY has the potential to love you well, then you are obligated to give him a chance. Because at the end of the day, the guy that fits you the best, physically, might not be the best guy for you.

Now here's the catch: a guy who knows how to love you well won't break your other, essential deal breakers. A guy that abuses you does not know how to love you well. A guy that disrespects your religion does not know how to love you well. A guy that refuses to have kids when you want them does not know how to love you well. Unfortunately, not all of these guys are bad people. They might be very attractive, nice, and friendly. However, that's not enough. Everything about him has to be consistent with loving you well. If it's like that from the beginning, you won't have to worry about becoming one of those girlfriends who is trying to change their man. 

In other words, I'm saying, if you happen upon a shorter guy who really knows how to love you well, don't let him go--UNLESS you know for a fact that a guy who is 5'11" or shorter cannot, under any circumstances, love you well (think needs, not desires). 

I'm realizing that if we all focus on the big picture while we're single, we'll pay more attention to those red flags early on, and save ourself the trouble of a divorce years from now. 

Wishing you the best,

~Zabrinah

Once again, thanks so much for writing everyone! I'm going to keep churning these out because they're so much fun!

Love,

Zabrinah

P.S. I'm on a different computer, so my sketches are a little off. . .