The Pre-Pursuit

Before a guy decides to pursue a relationship with you, there has to be some kind of test--certain indicators--that let him know that you're the one. This is what I like to call, the pre-pursuit.

The Bookshelf


All of us single ladies are similar to books on a shelf. We're flashy, we have good reputations, and we're an interesting/exciting read. So, your dream guy comes into the book store. He's browsing. Whatever he buys, that is what he decides to pursue. To clarify, if he brings the book of Zabrinah to the cash register, that means he is committed to being the dominant energy (click ME): asking for my number, texting me first, calling me first, emailing me first, and setting up dates. He's committed to pursue. From seeing me on the shelf, he already found me attractive. But, now that he is past the pre-pursuit, he is trying to discover whether he is attracted to me or not. Read The Survival Guide to Attraction right HERE.

Now, neither the pre-pursuit nor the pursuit, itself, has to be exclusive. He could be browsing at ALL the books he finds attractive on that shelf. Technically, there is no rule against that. Guys are allowed to find more than one woman attractive at a time. And yet, he may choose to buy several books at a time, as well. This means he is pursuing a myriad of us with his dominant energy. Once again, there is no rule against this.

Still, there are a lot of us stuck on that shelf. We get picked up, and then put back down again--especially by the same guy each time! It's starting to feel like he'll never get to the pursuit mode at all. I finally figured out why he does this. Each time he comes to the bookstore, he sees you with your flashy cover and award-winning credits. He knows about your awesome reputation of being a lovely book. This is very attractive. He takes you off the shelf every time for those wonderful reasons. You're a catch. After flipping through a few pages, he puts you back after remembering why he doesn't purchase you each time, in the first place. I know this has happened to you when you're actually shopping at your favorite store. There is always an item that is super alluring, you can afford and everything. But, each time you see it, after the intial "wow", you remember why you don't need/want it. Harsh, but true.

Are you one of those girls who tends to get perpetually stuck at the level of pre-pursuit? I hear you, sister. It's an uncomfortable place to be. However, the problem is not with him. It's most likely with you. Speaking from experience, there are 4 reasons why guys you like do not pursue you:

1. You're making yourself too available.

2. There are pre-conceived barriers (subconscious ones in his head) that stop him from seeing you in a romantic way (quite possibly before he even meets you).

3. All of the above. 


Being Too Available

Yes, you can say that I've beaten you over the head with talk of the guy always being the dominant energy because guys like the chase... etc.

Though he should be the dominant energy, I do not think that he should be in charge or in control of your pre-pursuit relationship (or any level of dating/marriage) at all. Even if he's the one showing the interest, that doesn't mean that you have nothing to do.

Don't forget that you have important passions/dreams to fulfill in this lifetime that do not involve a man. These accomplishments waiting to happen should consume you more than a guy who just finds you attractive.

Here's the end-all to being too available:


Without manipulation...

 whatever he starts, you finish. 

Simple, isn't it. Guys subconsciously test if you are the clingy type, or the independent type during the pre-pursuit stage. When they give you space, it's best to do the same. Mimic his efforts of pulling away in order to maintain equality, and not in a hostile way.

If he approaches you on a busy day, do not drop all your plans for him. Your life goals are more important. In fact, I encourage you to tell a guy that you are busy (if you really are) when he approaches you to say, "Hello". That's fine. A lot of ladies are terrified to create space in a relationship that doesn't have its footing yet. They're afraid to tell a guy, "No", "I'm busy", or "I'm sorry, I can't make it". I want you to know that these space-making phrases actually increase desire between the two of you. A normal guy wants his future girlfriend to have her own life, independent of him. Guys need space. That is a fact.

Don't lie if you're not busy. If you're ALWAYS available when he's around, then that's something you have to fix on your own. Instead of pretending that you have other people to talk to in a group setting, set it up so that you really do have other friends in that environment. Alter your reality for positive change in order to make yourself less available. That way, you're never misleading or lying in hostility or manipulation.

Barriers

Before a guy even meets you, he has standards of his own--several expectations placed on the woman he decides to pursue. You need to realize that sometimes, you will not fit into those expectations. And once one barrier is removed, fifty more could still be behind it.

Quick examples of barriers include:

1. He has a girlfriend.

2. He is pursuing someone else.

3. He is an authority figure and you are under his leadership (your boss, your RA in college, your teacher).


How do I combat these barriers or at least make myself feel better?

Step One: Reverse the situation. Pretend that you are the guy. If you were in a relationship, but you knew a really nice attractive guy, wouldn't you still speak to him? However, your mind wouldn't even consider him as a potential boyfriend. The thought wouldn't even enter your mind. Let's try another scenario. You are an authority figure. You mentor/tutor kids who are only two years younger than you. Even then, you have all these pre-conceived notions and expectations about these mentees. You would never consider them as dating-appropriate. However, they might.

Step Two: Examine what your barriers are. Guys have barriers set up, so that they don't pursue just anybody. But where are yours? I had to ask myself that the other day. There are so many girls on TV shows that date their teachers. Of course, the teachers in these situations ignored their own barriers and went along with the relationship. And yet, why didn't the girls (if they weren't seduced or manipulated into it) have their own set of barriers that refused to let them see their teacher in a romantic way? We could blame pop culture, or we could accept responsibility.

Think of all the guys who are in pre-pursuit with you at the moment. You're still that book sitting on that shelf. Figure out whether you even want them to pursue you from what you know about them. And if you still want them to, ask yourself if there are any barriers that could prevent a healthy relationship. Chances are, there are several.

The Take-Home Message

At the end of the day, we are NOT as passive as books are. We should not remain idle in his hands before he decides to pursue. Though I gave you a lot to think about, don't think too much. I only ever come up with this metaphors and life lessons, AFTER I blindly went through a situation with a guy. I did not calculate my next move as it was happening. I left life happen, and I encourage you to do the same.

I hope this helped.

Love,

Zabrinah