Your #1 Deal Breaker

On Millionaire Matchmaker (a show on Bravo about match-maker), Patti Stanger refers to deal breakers on a consistent basis. When she was on the Oprah Show, she explained them as "morals, values, interests--things that are going to change your life for the better or the worse". I think they are the qualities that your potential love interest MUST HAVE. Deal breakers are even more concrete than your basic standards (which I wrote about HERE).

Religion is a huge deal breaker that often ranks high on the list. Perhaps you're a Jewish girl, looking for a Jewish guy. That's fine. Nothing wrong with that. Other women require their guys to be taller than them. Some ladies must have someone who's good at cooking. Okay. We are all unique. We all have different preferences. However, there is one deal breaker that we should ALL put at the top of our lists.

The Ultimate Deal Breaker


I only discovered the ultimate deal breaker two weeks ago in a church pamphlet, and I was completely dumbfounded. It was so obvious, but I had never thought about it. How did I miss it all of this time? Here's the quote, directly from the source:

"Look for someone who knows how to love well."

Was that at the top of your list? I forgot all about it. Sure, it's implicit. You want someone who can love you unconditionally. But, we don't find what we're looking for if it's only implied. We need to actively watch out for it. From now on, you need to bump this up to being the number #1 most important thing a guy can have.


What about all the other qualities?

I'm not telling you to take "Taller than me" or "Ambitious" off of your list of deal breakers. But, someone who knows how to love well should be at the center--at the very core of what you're looking for.



How to Find Someone Like This


How do you define someone who knows how to love well? That's still a very broad phrase. Well, let's see what this nifty church pamphlet (appropriately titled, Who Should I Date? I just had to pick it up. Wouldn't you?) has to say about it. Here are the lines that really hit my heart and made me reconsider my entire list of deal breakers/standards:

"You can become consumed with focusing on which character traits are the most important, but since they are all variations of the same theme, simply look for someone who knows how to love well. A great description of real love is in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Never thought you'd be receiving love advice from the Bible, huh? Who knows, maybe you did. Take it at face-value, as a book. That's what it is. It's a book that just accurately described someone who knows how to love well--better than I ever could. So, let's break it down.

Your ideal man needs to know how to love well. That means your very first deal breaker includes the following character traits:


1. He has to be patient. If you are one of those people who takes FOREVER to get ready to do anything, then he should be able to handle that without pressuring you or constantly complaining.


2. He needs to be kind. Once again, implicit. But, how many times have you fallen for a douchebag who hasn't been kind to anyone a day in his life? Yup. I'm raising my hand with you.


3. He's not the jealous type. I know some of us secretly want him to get a little jealous sometimes. I used to feel the same way. However, that should never be a guy's primary way of showing you that he cares. I'd rather have him drive over to my house in the middle of the night to bring me Midol because I'm PMSing. Now, that's showing that he cares!


4. He isn't full of himself. When a guy is boasting about himself on the first date instead of asking about you, RUN! Run far away!


5. He is not quick to anger. I am working on this trait every day. Do you realize how easy it is to become angry? Even if it's just "pretend angry". Even when it's a joke. Anger just comes out of us way too often. And what for? There's no reason to waste that much energy on such a full emotion. It's exhausting. You have better things to do with your time, I promise.


6. He is forgiving. If you forgot his birthday last year, he won't remind you of that over and over again this year. I really cannot stand "birthday divas", anyway.


7. He's honest. Remember those Three's Company episodes where Jack and Larry pick up girls in bars? They always tell these gullible women that they're full-time doctors or movie producers. Well, your dream guy will have no need or desire to embellish on his background. He'll be completely honest with you.


8. He's a determined dreamer. He's optimistic--always hoping for a brighter future, even if the present is already bright. He's not one to give up easily. He is self-assured, trust-worthy, and trusting.


Now, think about your current crush. Maybe he's your boyfriend, your husband, or the man you're currently facebook stalking. Does he fall in line with any of those traits? More importantly, do you?

We cannot forget reciprocity (please read ME). If you don't exhibit any patience in relationships, then you cannot expect to just snag a guy who does. That is why this blog focuses so hard on self-improvement.

Now, think about your closest friends. Do they know how to love well? If you're heading down a path of personal development and inner happiness, you need to be close with people who are on the same journey.

The next time someone asks you, "What's your type?" Now you have a deep, totally non-superficial answer. You can confidently say, "Someone who knows how to love well."



Love,



Zabrinah