1. When you're with a guy you like, do you ask him a lot of questions?
2. Are you always inviting him to hang out?
3. Do you ask guys out on dates?
4. Do you tend to call him first?
5. When you click "See Friendship" on facebook, is it just a bunch of you posting on his wall?
6. After exchanging numbers with a guy you could be interested in, are you the first one to text?
7. And finally, is all the above working for you? In other words, are you seeing results? Is there any reciprocity? Is this guy just as smitten as you? Chances are .... probably not.
Why? Because you violated The Pact. Yup. The very one that we discussed on July 4th, 2010: the day I created this blog (need a refresher? go HERE). I'll reiterate. You don't get to like someone until he likes you first. That way, you only fall for guys that are interested.
Patti Stanger--millionaire matchmaker--loves to tell women that they have too much masculine energy. At first, I didn't agree. We're all into women power! We don't need a man to have a full, rich, and wonderful life on our own--that's still true. However, I have come to believe in the presence of dominant energy in every relationship and what it means for the people involved.
The dominant energy is the person who:
1. Does all of the asking first. The person who asks more questions, more often, is the pursuer. That person is the most interested. It shows. Start watching for it in real life. It's there.
2. Puts his or herself out on the limb first. Being the first one to say "I love you", in a relationship makes you the dominant energy.
Ultimately, the dominant energy initiates.
Is it bad for you to be the dominant energy?
It depends. I don't want to say, "Never ask a guy out. That's too masculine", because there are many different circumstances that I'm not aware of.
When you are the dominant energy, there is a higher chance of you ending up with a guy who's "just not that into you." Seriously. Because you would be the pursuer, and not all guys want to be pursued. Some won't be interested. If you're comfortable with that, and you enjoy how your love life is going, then keep it up. But if you continue to get crushed and rejected, perhaps it's time to drop your pride and let someone else be the dominant energy.
Try it for a free trial. Go a whole month without initiating with any guy. No texting first. No asking any guy to do anything. Take it to the extreme. You don't even get to wave at him first when you bump into him on the street. See what happens. You might be surprised at what you learn from this experience.
But then, I'll never get asked out!
Not with that low self-esteem, you won't. To tell you the truth, you might go on fewer dates if you're going from dominant energy to ..... recessive energy (I just made up that term!). But from my experience, it has been well worth it.
Can't we BOTH be the dominant energies?
You could, but that's what we have in good friendships. If you want the guy of your dreams to be your good friend and nothing more, than go ahead!
Do that one-month trial. I'm sure you'll find out what works for you.
Love,
Zabrinah
This was such a great post!!! :D
ReplyDeleteIn all due respect, especially as i do appreciate many of your other entries, zabrinah, this is terrible advice. What if the gentleman happens to take the same approach. You both pass on something over fear of rejection and a head game. Most of your relavent writing seems to recommend that women should come as they are and let it all hang loose, but this just seems to be a contriction that would get in the way of that. If you want to say hi to someone, say hi. If you want to ask someone to get together, ask them. If you want to say "i love you", say it. If you lose, you lose, but at least you gave everything and you have the experience. And at least you're being fair to your potential interest, and not putting all the weight on them. Lastly, remember: If you felt that being the overly dominant energy leaves you with a feeling that "he's just not that in to you", then perhaps him being the overly dominant energy will have the same effect on him and he'll walk away.
ReplyDeleteBeing a dominant depends on your relationship.
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm a guy. I love your blog because the advice you give is great for everybody, regardless of their gender.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think this rule needs refinement. After all, if everybody waited for the other person to make the first move then no relationships would ever happen.
On one hand I get that that's kind of the whole point of "How to not fall in love". You don't want to fall in love with somebody who doesn't love you back (I got burned that way and that's why I read your blog). Love has to be mutual.
But I have my own theory on how to guard one's heart *without* just waiting around for Mr/Mrs Right: It has to do with approaching a relationship in baby steps, based on your idea of levels. You never want to let yourself develop level 3 (or higher) feelings for someone who doesn't reciprocate. But if you find yourself in a situation where A. You have your own life sorted out well enough to actually handle a relationship, and B you actually meet somebody who meets the high standards that you set for yourself (not easy feats), I think you should let yourself develop level 2 feelings for them (no more, no less). THEN you should make your feelings clear to the person. If he or she returns your level 2 feelings, you can make a date. If he or she is not interested in you, do not make a date, and then demote that person back down to a level 1. Since you were only level 2, your heart doesn't have far to fall, so it doesn't break. In my model, one doesn't develop level 3 ("I love you") feelings until the relationship has already gotten off to a good start.
What do you think of that model?
I disagree as well. My ex boyfriend was won over by a girl who "wanted to be more than friends" and he fell head over heals for her.
ReplyDeleteI think every situation is different. I think this could be good advice as well as bad. If you like a guy, he might be too shy to start a conversation. I think women and men just need to put time and effort into people that do the same. Otherwise, see ya! ;)
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your response! For each person, things are different.
ReplyDeleteHowever, consider the notion of a guy being too shy to show you that he likes you. I wrote a post on it: Is My Crush Too Shy?
http://www.zabrinah.com/2011/12/is-my-crush-shy.html
~Z
Did you just solve all of my relationship problems right now in one post?? i love this site.
ReplyDelete