Do you ever watch those shows where someone writes a heated letter to another person who has done them wrong--and then accidentally hits "SEND", or drops it in the mail? This is a common plot for most sitcoms. After the letter is on its way, the writer freaks out and scrambles to get the letter back before it can be read. Why? Because writing that letter was a mistake.
What does this have to do with you? Lately, I have been seeing this letter-writing dilemma leap off the TV screens and join us in the real world.
Most guys and girls don't know how to cope when someone hurts them. I have seen people do some crazy things in the past few weeks. The problem with sending letters is that you cannot take them back! Most likely, the person will save that email forever and share it with friends/significant others. At the end of the day, YOU--the letter-writer--will be the only one who looks bad, and more importantly, the only one who feels bad.
The Email
I must admit that I am guilty of sending an email that was meant to hurt someone. However, I quickly learned that there is no way to hurt somebody who hurt you. You can't do it. If you've ever been betrayed or mistreated, the first thing you want to do is go to war. You get out your weapons: your computer and your angry thoughts. However, the best strategy for "attack" is forgiveness and saying positive things about that person (and you have to find a way to truly mean them).
Because it's an email, the person on the receiving end will believe that you put a lot of premeditated thought into the letter. The truth is, you probably thought about it for an hour, at most, a day, and then sent the thing. However, you may not feel the regret or the dire wish for an "unsend" button until months, maybe years later.
Regret is regret, though. These accusatory, manipulative letters do not need to be sent out. To help you identify when you are writing or receiving one of these letters in the future, here are some of the common components:
1. False compliments. These are usually found in the beginning of the letter. You do this in order to make yourself look good before you accuse him. You may be saying, "I've always admired you," but you really mean:"I'm a good person, so I'm complimenting you, though you're not a good person like me."
2. Ultimately, accusing the person for several things. Throughout the letter, you name things the person did wrong. You get to the core of why you are hurting, as you are furiously typing.
3. Trying to punish the person. Nearing the end of the letter, you will add something like, "So now you understand why I won't be visiting you anymore," or "No need to respond to this letter," or "Too bad you won't be a part of my life anymore. You're missing out on someone great." Newsflash: You cannot make this person feel bad. You are the one who is hurting, not him. A letter will not change that.
Once you are self-aware, whether this is next year or ten years from now, you will find that writing these letters are mistakes. You do them in the heat of the moment while you are still hurt. And if you do get a response, almost always, you will get hurt by it even more.
The Facebook Private Message
What does this have to do with you? Lately, I have been seeing this letter-writing dilemma leap off the TV screens and join us in the real world.
Most guys and girls don't know how to cope when someone hurts them. I have seen people do some crazy things in the past few weeks. The problem with sending letters is that you cannot take them back! Most likely, the person will save that email forever and share it with friends/significant others. At the end of the day, YOU--the letter-writer--will be the only one who looks bad, and more importantly, the only one who feels bad.
The Email
I must admit that I am guilty of sending an email that was meant to hurt someone. However, I quickly learned that there is no way to hurt somebody who hurt you. You can't do it. If you've ever been betrayed or mistreated, the first thing you want to do is go to war. You get out your weapons: your computer and your angry thoughts. However, the best strategy for "attack" is forgiveness and saying positive things about that person (and you have to find a way to truly mean them).
Because it's an email, the person on the receiving end will believe that you put a lot of premeditated thought into the letter. The truth is, you probably thought about it for an hour, at most, a day, and then sent the thing. However, you may not feel the regret or the dire wish for an "unsend" button until months, maybe years later.
Regret is regret, though. These accusatory, manipulative letters do not need to be sent out. To help you identify when you are writing or receiving one of these letters in the future, here are some of the common components:
1. False compliments. These are usually found in the beginning of the letter. You do this in order to make yourself look good before you accuse him. You may be saying, "I've always admired you," but you really mean:"I'm a good person, so I'm complimenting you, though you're not a good person like me."
2. Ultimately, accusing the person for several things. Throughout the letter, you name things the person did wrong. You get to the core of why you are hurting, as you are furiously typing.
3. Trying to punish the person. Nearing the end of the letter, you will add something like, "So now you understand why I won't be visiting you anymore," or "No need to respond to this letter," or "Too bad you won't be a part of my life anymore. You're missing out on someone great." Newsflash: You cannot make this person feel bad. You are the one who is hurting, not him. A letter will not change that.
Once you are self-aware, whether this is next year or ten years from now, you will find that writing these letters are mistakes. You do them in the heat of the moment while you are still hurt. And if you do get a response, almost always, you will get hurt by it even more.
The Facebook Private Message
More common than emails these days are the facebook private messages. I'm talking about the ones that are 5 paragraphs long, explaining how hurt and betrayed you are. It's quite ridiculous. Some thoughts just need to be kept to yourself. Especially, when you are still feeling the hurt--the burn in your heart, the hotness in your cheeks. Do not send a message to the person who made you feel this way while you still feel this way.
The private message will still have all the components of the email: the building yourself up with complimenting the other person, the accusing, and the punishment. If you must send a letter of this manner, do not do it in a private message. Here are reasons why:
1. You will look immature. Imagine the person who gets the letter. He will tell his friends he got a scathing message from you on facebook. That mere sentence alone is laughable. Who sends "scathing messages" on facebook?! It's a website that's supposed to be about fun, going to events, truly connecting with people. Besides, this person will not agree with your accusatory points, anyway. The only reason you sent the message is because, deep down, maybe in your subconscious, you wanted him to agree with you and acknowledge how evil they are. Nope. This won't happen.
2. You will look pathetic. Like I said, facebook isn't the place to express feelings like that.
3. You will look like a coward. The private message shows them that you couldn't even talk to them in person. You couldn't even call them on the phone. You hid behind a social network to express your hurt.
The private message will still have all the components of the email: the building yourself up with complimenting the other person, the accusing, and the punishment. If you must send a letter of this manner, do not do it in a private message. Here are reasons why:
1. You will look immature. Imagine the person who gets the letter. He will tell his friends he got a scathing message from you on facebook. That mere sentence alone is laughable. Who sends "scathing messages" on facebook?! It's a website that's supposed to be about fun, going to events, truly connecting with people. Besides, this person will not agree with your accusatory points, anyway. The only reason you sent the message is because, deep down, maybe in your subconscious, you wanted him to agree with you and acknowledge how evil they are. Nope. This won't happen.
2. You will look pathetic. Like I said, facebook isn't the place to express feelings like that.
3. You will look like a coward. The private message shows them that you couldn't even talk to them in person. You couldn't even call them on the phone. You hid behind a social network to express your hurt.
Blocking
Blocking, ignoring, de-friending--these are all common practices these days. It only shows that you love to avoid your problems. You erase them. Block them and hope they go away.
I don't recommend blocking people on facebook, unless they are harassing you.
Blocking someone who hurt your feelings is immature and pathetic. You can't actually block someone in real life. You might have to see them. And if you don't have to see them, what's the point of blocking them, then? The point is, you are still trying to hurt them. Stop it. You can't.
Just because you got hurt, doesn't mean you need to ostracize someone from your facebook page. They probably weren't looking at it anyway!
I have blocked someone, regretted it, and then unblocked them. Guess what? They won't be your friend on facebook anymore! Unless you want to go through the humiliation of asking this person to be your friend all over again, things will not go back to the way they were.
What To Do Instead
Don't send it. Don't write it on your computer.
If you must write something down, get a diary. Even if you write something incriminating in there, and it is read, at least you can blame that person for invading your privacy. Stick to a journal. No internet for you.
If you must, must, MUST communicate with this individual, then do it in person. Not on the phone. Not on the computer. Gather your courage and face them politely and respectfully. Be civil. Get your point across and if he doesn't agree with you ... oh well. You don't need his permission or acceptance to forgive him and move on.
The benefit of talking to him in person is that memory fades. He won't be able to effectively replay the conversation in his head after you have spoken with him. That way, if you were in the wrong, the person that you confronted will probably forget the specifics of what you said ... in time.
The Take-Home Message
If you think you are going to regret the letter, the message, or the choice to block someone, don't do it. Suck it up. Learn how to forgive, instead of holding a grudge. "Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Positive energy ALWAYS trumps negative energy. Revenge or attempting to make the other person feel bad is never an option. If you need more help with this, go HERE to read about forgiveness in Why You Can't Move On: Part Two.
Thanks!
Love,
Zabrinah
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