Breaking Out Of Your Type

Hopefully, by now, you know the type of guy you are especially prone to. But how do you stop falling for him? Yes, you've identified all the signs. You've even written about him in your diary. But, what's next? How do you prevent this from becoming another, "Oops, I fell for him again" moment?

In a previous post (HERE), I described The Type You Want To Have and compared it to Your Actual Type.

The type you want to have is a "generous, loving, sensitive guy". However your actual type is more like The Douchebag (click ME). The man you're typically attracted to isn't ideal. We need to learn how to break out of that type--or at least, transfer the type you want to have into your actual type.


Here's a step-by-step guide explaining what to do when you meet a new guy:


Step One: Focus on him. Over-analyzers tend to think too much during those first few encounters with a new guy. The funny thing is that we aren't even thinking about him. We're thinking about the possibilities of him and what that could mean for us. Very selfish and very typical, I know. But, you'll be helping yourself out in the long run if you pay attention IN THE BEGINNING. Love--or sexual tension, or anything that gets your heart pumping and your palms sweaty--is blinding. You legitimately won't see the signs of a jerk or a bad boy, unless you are paying attention ... to him.


In order to focus on the new guy, you must:

• Eliminate daydreaming. I like to describe daydreaming as "future recapping". You are essentially looking back at the future. You are reminiscing over things that never happened. This activity may be fun, but ultimately, you're feeling nostalgic about your wedding day, your honeymoon, your children with this guy--events that could possibly occur if you actually got to know this person. The bottom line is: daydreaming stops you from focusing on him and identifying the signs. 
• Watch for his point-of view. How does he observe the world? What are his stories like? Are his stories childish? Is he constantly rambling? Is he comfortable with silence? More importantly, is he self-aware? By looking for his-point-of-view, you'll easily place yourself on the fast track for gaining a greater sense of who he is. 
• Subdue the over-analzyer in you. You need to listen. Be in neutral. Stay in the present, instead of judging the conversation as it's happening. During those few weeks of crucial first impressions, stay away from his facebook page. Nothing's creepier than somebody who already knows your life story before ever talking to you. If you're an overly sensitive person, try to gain more of a tough skin, so that when he teases you, you have something clever and witty to say. Over-analyzers get offended far too easily. Don't become one of them.

Step Two: Don't make excuses. A lot of us see the important signs, but make up excuses for the guy, anyway. I have given you several lists of things to watch for when it comes to specific types of guys. None of us completely fits into a type; human beings aren't one-dimensional. However, certain things people do could be classified as warning signs for a trait (such as fear of commitment or some other underlying issue).

Once you spot a warning sign, take note of it. Compartmentalize it. Put it in a separate drawer in your head. Don't actively judge him while you are still in his presence. But afterwards, when you have some time to think clearly, figure out if he is the type of person you'd like to include in your life. Promise me that when you bump into a guy that is "more arrogant than the average jerk", you won't go out on a second date with him.


Step Three: Don't forget. I know you've heard the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." This rule still applies. You cannot allow yourself to be fooled again. You cannot fall into the same traps.

Look at your past relationships/crushes. Is one type repeated more than once? Do you have two douchebags, three jerks, and five misunderstood guys all in the past year?! Take responsibility. These were your choices. You chose to like these guys and get involved emotionally. Stay wise. Don't forget.


Step Four: Be creative, fearless, and smart. This is essential to breaking out of your type. You cannot do the same things and expect different results. You cannot be the same person, and expect to attract different guys. Something in your mind--your outlook of love and life--must change for the better.

Don't be limited by your experiences in the past. Did you meet all your past boyfriends a certain club? Shake it up. Go somewhere completely different. No more clubbing for you. Instead, go skiing! Head to the skate park or the roller rink. Do something you never imagined you'd do, not because it's dangerous or because it doesn't align with who you are as a a person, but because you simply never thought about it. You never thought you'd do it. Even if you stick to the same places and the same activities, remember that you must have a different mindset in order to attract something new.


Step Five: Give yourself time. I've written before that it takes 21 days to create a new habit. You need at least a month to break out of one. After a series of 8 bad boys in a row, you have to go on a dating hiatus. Enter a No-Crush Zone. No more double-takes when you walk past a cute boy at the mall. No more actively looking for someone when you're feeling desperate or friend-less. Give yourself the time you need to break the old habit and establish a new one.


Step Six: Use that support system. Your friends and family have disapproved of every guy you've ever spoken to. Tell them that you're ready to break out of your type. Now, how about you take their advice IN THE BEGINNING, before the heartbreak? It will save you tremendous amounts of trouble. Although you won't want to admit it, the ones who truly know you will almost always be right. You won't even have to ask for their opinion. They'll blurt it out after your first description of him.


Step Seven: Remember that you have complete command over your mind. Because it’s true. You can quite literally do anything you put your mind to. You're not going to marry a guy just like your dad, unless that is what your mind is set on. No one’s forcing you to go out with a player (hopefully), so don’t succumb to his charm. 

We can identify jerks, players, and abusers of sorts, BUT we often don’t do anything about it. That must change It’s so unfortunate to make a mistake and refuse to change from it. We have to learn a lesson from the experience. We need to break the habit right now.



Love,


Zabrinah