The Song Series

We all know that songs have a huge effect on our relationships and what we think about them. Whether you are in love or trying not to fall in love with someone, it is difficult to know how you feel when the song is on constant replay. Soon enough, you find yourself rocking back and forth, crying in a pillow, feeling EXACTLY what the lyrics told you to feel. Remain sane and daydream free, while you listen to your favorite music!

This January, the majority of my posts will be dedicated to deciphering lyrics of songs all in good fun.

Let's begin with up-and-coming singer, Priscilla Renea. My best friend found her on Youtube (her song HERE) and I was wildly impressed by her talent. The song we will be looking at today is entitled, Lovesick.

The Title


Before I analyze the lyrics of the song, let's focus on the title. I put the word, "lovesick" into Google and the first definition was "in love, or missing the person one loves, so much that one is unable to act normally." 

Uh oh. The meaning of the word just screams warning signs.

Tip #1: Missing someone who is no longer a part of your life should not inhibit you from acting normally. Read the IV Drip right HERE, if you are clinging and holding onto painful relationships that you need to let go. Of course, long distance relationships (click ME) are the appropriate times to be "lovesick", however you should be able to act normally! It is not an actual sickness, people. And if it is, this blog could be your medicine.



The Song


A song is like a conversation. The person singing to you is delivering a monologue. So let's pretend that the following words are coming from a friend--a lovesick, crazy friend--who is talking about a guy that does not love her anymore. We are choosing to learn from her mistakes.

"I used to tell you the stories about my childhood.

You never ever believed me.

About how I slept in a trailer on a bed full of paper.

Okay, well maybe I'm lying."

Tip #2: Never ramble on about the insignificant details in your life early on in the relationship--ESPECIALLY, if he seems uninterested. Do not lie about things that never happened just for the fun of it. I have seen many women do that and at the end of the day, what was the point? Think about the people you know who tell you those "stories." You tune them out, don't you? Refrain from doing this with a guy. He will not get a good impression of you.

"And its seems like lately when we're talking on the phone,

All you ever say is how I should leave you alone."

Tip #3: When a guy says, "leave me alone," that means he doesn't like you. He is not playing hard to get. Mature guys don't do that. Once you realize he wants to be left alone, you stop calling him. You want someone who wants you as much as you want him.

"Everybody is telling me what I should do."

Tip #4: Listen objectively to what people say. If it makes sense, consider making changes in your life. It doesn't sound like good advice, no one is forcing you to follow it. I have written two articles on the subject of people getting in your business. Read People right HERE and click ME to read They Say He's Not The One.

"I can't help myself; I'm so into you."

Tip #5: If you say anything enough, you will internalize it, and become it. If you say, "I'm tired," all day, you will feel tired and unproductive. If you say "I can't help myself" from liking a certain guy, then do not come to this blog expecting for me to change you. You have to believe that you can help yourself for things to change.

"The doctor said that I'm lovesick.

Well, I guess I'll be sick forever.

And I'm sorry to say that you made me this way.

And I don't ever wanna get better."

Tip #6: Your attitude is everything. You have to believe that you will never remain in one state forever. We are human beings. We have to change--consistently adapt. A positive attitude will bring you a positive relationship. No more complaining. No more "woe-is-me" attitude.

Tip #7: No matter what the guy has done to you in the past, no blaming him for who you are today. Read The Two Way Tango (by clicking ME) in order to learn more about the dreadful blame game.

"You act like you don't remember how you first met me.

Back when we were in grade school,

I sat behind you in history."

Tip #8: Guys don't act as if they don't remember something. They aren't playing games. They really don't remember.

"I used to daydream about the day I would have you,

And it seemed like if I mentioned you when I was home,

All my family said is how I should leave you alone."

Tip #9: Listen to input from friends and family. They are not blinded by love. They can often notice things that you wouldn't. When you look back, you will realize that they were right.


So, there you have it. Nine relationship tips from one song.



The Take-Home Message


When you are listening to this type of song, these are the tips to remember! You do not always have to relate a song to your present life.


I hope this gave you a little chuckle and some good tips, as well. I really enjoyed writing it.



Love,


Zabrinah

Tai Chi, Anyone?

Yang Chengfu has changed my life without ever meeting me. Because of this man, who lived over 60 years ago, my tai chi teacher, was able to learn the Yang Style form of Tai Chi Chuan, and subsequently, teach it to me. During the lessons, my instructor kept repeating one phrase over and over: "Acknowledge, accept, and allow." Little did I know that it was a modified version of the 4 A's to Recovery: Acknowledge, Admit, Adapt, and Accept. 


Tai Chi is a Chinese martial art that is internal, meant to deal with self-defense and your health. These concepts have helped me become who I am today.


What do tai chi principles have to do with love? Everything.

Are You Self-Aware?


When you are uncomfortable, you begin to feel a rising sensation in your stomach, a tightening in your throat. These feelings of unease do not start there. They begin further down, somewhere lower than your stomach--a place my tai chi instructor called the dantian.

Your dantian is the root of you, your core, your center, your gut. This is where your instincts are born, it is the very heart of self-awareness. Taking low breaths from your dantian connects you to your core, who you are at this present moment. Meditation, yoga, and tai chi and anything other practices that involve deep breathing for extended amounts of time bring you more knowledge about yourself. Why do you think these instructors are so calm?

My first journal entry in 2008 began with, "Why do I always forget things? Why do I always procrastinate? I'm seriously just wondering." This may seem as if I was putting myself down, but, I was truly providing the pathway to build myself back up--into a newer, more productive person. Asking questions, as objectively as you can, is the gateway self-awareness.

You need to step back from your life, and look for patterns. Are you growing in areas you made mistakes in before? Or are you in a downward cycle of debt? After dating one bad boy, did you stop, or did you continue and upgrade to douchebags? These are the questions to ask yourself.

A fundamental part of tai chi is listening to yourself. You need to remain relaxed without tension. That means no judging yourself. Do not beat yourself up for the time you wasted on guys that were not right for you. The important thing is that you know better now. Focus on that.



Acknowledge


Take out a pencil and a piece of paper right now: Write down all the negative patterns that you are currently struggling with.

Your list may only have five items. It might have two big problems, with twenty sub-problems. If you are having trouble analyzing yourself, I suggest scroll through some of my posts to identify what you need to work on. In order to improve, you must first acknowledge what you are dealing with. If you are debating whether something defines you or not, put it on the list, anyway. Your list could look like this:

• I go for guys who are not into me.
• I overreact in relationships before they even begin.
• I'm afraid to be happy (self-sabotage).
• I am not comfortable living in the present (too focused on past or future). 
• I have trouble saying, "No." 

Once you have acknowledged negative patterns, it is time to do something about it.



Accept


Look at your list. Make sure everything is there. Get out a pen, this time. I am using a red sharpie, and put your list in the past tense. By doing this, you will be accepting the fact that you had these problems, and there is nothing you can do to alter yesterday, last month, or five years ago. However, starting this minute you can working on them. Here is the example:

• I used to go for guys who are not into me.
• I used to overreact in relationships before they even begin.
• I'm was afraid to be happy (self-sabotage).
• I am was not comfortable living in the present (too focused on past or future). 
• I used to have trouble saying, "No." 

Allow


Allow yourself to focus on the solutions, now. No looking back at what used to be a problem. Allow yourself to change.

I have seen so many self-aware people acknowledge their problems, and then stop there. They think that the acknowledgement is the hardest part. They think that it is the solution. Well, it's not.

Notice how I said, allow yourself to change. You cannot do the same things and expect different results! As long as you can see your goal, head towards it on a path you have never crossed before. Even if you reach a dead-end, you will gain wisdom. You will be much closer to your goal, than if you were simply standing still, second-guessing yourself, afraid to move.

Allow yourself to move. Change the course of your life. Say goodbye to old habits.

You may no longer use the word, "can't" in your vocabulary. You will say, "No," when you mean it. You will not go on a second date with a douchebag. Try something new, instead.

Allowing myself to change after the acknowledgement of a problem is how this blog came to existence. And if my best friend wasn't with me acknowledging her own problems and connecting our similarities, you would not be reading these words right now. Change is good!



Realignment


I know someone who is working on her self-esteem everyday. She is doing a fabulous job, but she feels as if she is not making consistent progress. At times, her confidence is through the roof. At other times, it drops back to square one, which is painful and discouraging. Dropping like that makes you want to quit. However, we must realize that it is necessary. The inconsistency is the key to self-mastery.


“Self mastery is the act of aligning mind-body-spirit a thousand times a day.”



~Ron NaVarre (read his blog HERE) 


Though you are aiming for the solutions to your goals, there will be times when you take a step backwards--revert back to old ways, old patterns of thinking. This is normal. You just have to readjust a thousand times a day, or as many times as you need to, in order to gain progress.

 Expect to fall off balance a little, and be prepared with realignment. Maybe all you need to do is take a deep breath. What always works for me is to mutter a phrase out loud. The following are examples of several phrases I have memorized for certain underlying issues. Feel to use and adapt them to your own circumstances.


1. "I do not believe in defeat."

2. "Success is the only option."

3. "Complaining is like slapping yourself for slapping yourself."

4. "Cry hard, but not long."

5. "I release ___"

6. "I wish ____, who hurt me, all the joy and happiness in the world."

7. "I am beautiful."


If you can learn all the lyrics to "Baby" by Justin Bieber and annoy all your friends with it, then you can certainly learn these short phrases/mantras. Say any of these enough, and you WILL believe them. The same way when you say, "I'm tired, I'm tired," over and over, you get more tired. You won't get any work done because you don't expect to. Allow yourself to change your mindset.

Realign.  Every time you slip up and say something negative, correct it. Finish off with one of the phrases. If you truly believe that success is the ONLY option, you will have success, no matter the cost. I can guarantee this. But, it takes a lot of faith, a lot of heart, determination, and support.


Good luck, and don't forget to breathe!


Love,


Zabrinah

The Pruning Tree

Welcome, readers! Today is a new beginning. 
The time has come for you to examine your friends, your crushes, your "guy friends", and all the other important people in your life. We are going to get our clippers out--our saws, our axes, whatever we need--and prune the people who no longer belong in our lives. We will sever those who stunt your growth as a person, and most importantly, the person you are becoming. In order to grow, you might have to shrink a little. I will show you how each step of the way.

The Pruning Tree


You are the trunk of a tree. When you are strong and confident, the trunk is sturdy and formidable. Those days when your self-esteem is through the roof, you are grounded and well-rooted into the ground. It all begins with you: the base.

If your base is looking like a stump, please go to any of these links to build it up:

• When No One Likes You (read ME)
• Your Self-Esteem (click ME)
• Building Your Confidence (right HERE)
• Lonely (read HERE)

However, a tree is comprised of more than a trunk. You have branches that bear fruit, and leaves, even little twigs. These extensions of your base do not come from you. They are outside sources, such as your friends, your crushes, and even your acquaintances. Just because they are from the "outside" and are not created internally, does not mean that you lack control. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Letting go off some of these branches means that you have ultimate command over the influences in your life.



Rotting Branches


A rotting branch is a person who brings destruction to your life.  He might do some "nice" things too, but for the most part, the cons outweigh the pros. The longer you defend him, the easier it is for him to grow and gain importance in your life. If he was a good branch, full of happiness and positive energy, this would be a good thing. Your tree would be growing, and reaching the sky. However, the growth of a rotting branch is nothing to celebrate.


Why?


Rotting branches infect the base. Their negative energy will always overpower what you have to offer. They never fall off on their own. You must prune them yourselves.

A base cannot stand strong with the weight of one rotting branch, so imagine having several?

Here are some upfront examples of rotting branches:

• The Manipulator (click ME): the sneaky King of Rotting Branches. Not only will he corrupt your tree, but he will also make you more susceptible to other rotting branches, if not introduce to you them, himself.
• The Douchebag (click ME): this guy even knows he must be severed! However, he will persuade you to cut him later, just not now. He is fine with being removed from your life, after the damage is done, simply because years later, the douchebag is hard to forget. He's even more difficult to stop complaining about without a strong dose of self-awareness, and maybe some therapy.
• The Non-Commital Guy (click ME): he'll just waste your precious time. You will be so caught up in this rotting branch, that there will be no room on your tree for the good ones. 
• The Unattainable (click ME): waste of time. There are real guys out there.
• The Guy No One Else Wants (click ME): do not allow boredom, loneliness, or desperation cause you to fall for this one.
• The Bad Boy (click ME): why would your beautiful healthy tree need this kind of branch? It does not. He has no place in your life.
• Mr. Random & His Issues (click ME): your tree needs some stability. What good is a branch that is in your life one week and gone the next? Not to mention that this is a rotting branch. Just say, "No."

You see, these rotting branches are metaphors for the people that are slowly, but surely destroying you. The effects of a rotting branch are:

1. Low self-confidence.

2. Low self-esteem.

3. Dependence on the person that is destroying you.


Rotting branches cannot change. You cannot reverse their decomposing qualities. The only way to stop them from reaching your core, is to saw them off as quickly as you can. I say quickly, because rotting branches are smart. You cannot slowly transition them out of your life because they will see what you are doing, and rot even faster. Each time you ignore a phone call, he will show up at your doorstep. Every time you meet a new guy, he will be there, trying to edge him off. You must expel this rotting branch from your tree before he gets the chance to spread, infect, and completely dominate your actions, and subsequently, your life.



Get Your Saw


Once you have identified a rotting branch, you have to saw him off immediately. You do not get time to think about it or second guess yourself. I know this may seem obvious, but do not ask your branch whether he thinks he should be a part of your life or not.

Too many people rely on their rotting branches for advice, for comfort. Victims have heart-to-hearts with their abusers daily. Every time you do this, you allow his rottenness to contaminate you further.

For example, you just met a manipulator, and you are getting along "as friends". Yes, he is a jealous fool and calls you derogatory names, but you are trying to ignore it. You tell him that you like him. You tell him that your best friends and family dislike him. And finally, you ask him for advice. What does he think? Is he addition to your life or not?


ONE RULE: If you ever have the urge to ask a guy if he deserves to be in your life or not, chances are, he doesn't. 


What do you expect him say? "I'm bad for you. Get rid of me."?

Actually, WAIT. Guys do say that. Reverse psychology. Just do not ask a person, who doesn't have your best interest heart, for advice. He will not lead you in the right direction. He will only use the information gained to play on your weaknesses in the future.


You do not need someone's permission to eradicate them from your tree. Just do it.


How?


Now that your saw has been sharpened and you have the motivation to go through with it, I will tell you how to cut people out of your life. You do not need to get angry, bad-mouth him, or use any kind of hostility to do it. Follow these steps, instead:


1. Visualize: Take an undecided amount of time to sit down and see the rotting branch. Make sure you are breathing evenly and slowly. Focus on this person and all that they have done for you and to you. Do not judge the situations as you recap them, only observe them. Visualize until you get emotional. You may cry, you may not. But, you must feel a heightened sense of emotion. Do not suppress tears or force them. When you just allow things to happen without comment, you will find that the emotion increases. Your feelings must be at their peak before you move onto the next step.

2. Forgive: A rotting branch has done a number of bad things to you. Resentment is not the way to handle the betrayal. Only positive emotion on your behalf can cancel out the negative actions he committed against you. Remember that "holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Nothing you can do will make the rotting branch feel bad. Send him some positive thoughts, instead. Forgive him, and then forgive yourself for wasting time on him. Read more about forgiveness in-depth, right HERE.

3. Release: Let him go. Make it easy. Make it effortless. Drop your affection for him to a Level 1: you don't dislike him. He just like everyone else, another person in your life. You neither hate him or love him. Substitute him for someone in your life that you truly don't dislike--someone that you never really talk to. There is no hostility towards this person, is there? You aren't friends, but that's alright. Think about the rotting branch again. You have released your attachment to him. You are not obligated to do anything for this former rotting branch. He cannot guilt you. Repeat, "I don't dislike ____" and specifically say his name. Do this every time you want to grab hold of him again. Say it until you believe the statement. Make it sound convincing. You will notice that the struggle to fully release him will decrease over time. You will think about him less and the repair to your tree will be complete.


With this 3-step process, you are following the fundamentals of "crying hard, but not long". This concept was covered in The IV Drip (click ME).



Bareness


Perhaps you have realized that nearly everyone on your tree needs to be pruned . Perhaps your poor, little tree looks like this right now?

Like the sensation of a missing tooth, you need to cope with your tree's missing extensions and missing, rotten branches. Life will not be the same. You don't have anyone to eat with, study with, or hold hands with anymore. Even worse, it seems like everyone else's trees are far more beautiful than yours, with more branches than you can count. And these people are always asking about where you rotten branches are and why you don't have them anymore. What do you say? What do you do?

Here are some steps to help you through the bareness:


1. Do not compare your tree to anyone else's. Comparing only brings about jealousy. The funny thing is, we do not know what is going on in someone else's life. Sure, so-and-so looks like she has a lot of friends, but you do not know if they are rotting, as well. Do not worry about anyone else. Focus on what you are working with.

2. Applaud yourself for the progress. Think about where you were before. Your tree may have had a lot of branches, but they were ROTTING! No one was envious of the douchebag on your arm. Your tree was not beautiful, it was tainted. Now that it is bare, you have more opportunities than before. It is like shaving your head when you have good bone structure, people will stare, but you know how beautiful you are. Go out there and rock it!

3. Enjoy the free time. Work on that trunk! Do what you like, when you like to do it. Feel blessed that no one is asking you to visit his room at 4:17 in the morning. For all that time you spent with a rotten branch, replace it with something that makes you happy. Blog more. Pick up the piano again. Buy yourself a fancy, new journal for the fancy, new you.



The Budding Twigs 


When your tree is bare or has a vacancy, I definitely advise you to go out there and meet new people. It never hurts to add some twigs. They can be upgrade to a good, sturdy branch if they bring positivity and light to your life. Do they allow you to reach for the sky? Are they making your base stronger and better everyday?

If so, keep them. If not, release them.



The Flip Side


You are a tree, under the circumstances of your life. But you are also a branch, under the circumstances of someone else's life.

Think of your friends. Are you poisoning them? Are you working your way to their base, manipulating their self-esteem? Are you even a part of their tree, at all?

Examine the friendships you believe are helping you, and attempt to do the same in their lives. Build each other up, up, up, until you reach the sky!




Love,



Zabrinah

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Love,


Zabrinah

Getting Mad For No Reason

Do you know any girls who are mean to the guys they like? You see her giving him the silent treatment or the cold shoulder ALL THE TIME, without any logical explanation for her actions. She is always complaining for NO REASON. Even after she picks a fight with him and leaves the poor fellow completely confused, you have to listen to her complain about him, and then reassure her with: "No, you weren't overreacting. He deserved it."

Here is a specific example of getting mad for no reason that I keep witnessing over and over:


The GIRL: When do you want to hang out again?

The GUY: I don't know. Whenever.

The GIRL: Well, do you have a girlfriend?

The GUY: No.

The GIRL: If you got a girlfriend in the next few months, would you still hang out with us as often (by us, she is referring to me and another friend who also happened to be female)?

The GUY: (looooooong pause) Probably. I don't know.

The GIRL: Oh my gosh. You're saying we'll never see you again.


The GUY: I didn't say that.

The GIRL: Yes you did! If you got a girlfriend, you would never hang out with us anymore. That is so rude!


Then, the girl storms out.

This is usually the point where the guy turns to me with a bewildered look on his face and asks, "What just happened?"

During that conversation, the GIRL got upset over a hypothetical situation that she brought up in the first place.

Up until pretty recently, I used to be the girl in the scenario above. I was the Ultimate Queen of Getting Mad For No Reason. This little phenomenon falls under the category of overreactions (read that post HERE).



7 Reasons Why You Do It


You get mad at him all the time because:

1. You are insecure. You are afraid that he does not like you, so you jump the gun, and already begin to treat him this way. Counter-productive, huh?

2. This is how you flirt. Getting mad at him is an attempt to flirt with him. You prefer getting angry over nothing rather than sit through silence when neither of you have nothing to say. You and That Awful Giggler (please click ME) have a whole lot in common.

3. You are jealous of him and another girl. Perhaps he is actually in love with your best friend or your co-worker. It is obvious that he is paying more attention to her, so you get mad at him. Though it is not the best option, you find that it forces him to pay attention to you for a change. But, if a guy doesn't have feelings for you, he just doesn't. Accept it and move on. Make this process easier for yourself, because treating him poorly cannot improve the situation.

4. You fear having a passion-less relationship with him. The two of you don't even have to be dating to have this fear. Getting angry with someone--hating someone--stirs up a lot of emotion. We can all feel it. Anger is never boring. You get mad at him to keep things interesting. However, you need to be confident in who you are. You are not boring and you do not need to constantly distract him by getting angry. You will not bore him with silence. If you have nothing to say, it's fine! That's great. Silences are awesome, I promise.

5. You want to guilt him into liking you. This is weird, but girls do this all the time. They get angry with him in order to get him to like them more. Does it work? Not on a sane guy, it won't. You can never MAKE someone like you. Attraction does not work that way (read the survival guide to attraction HERE).

6. You want to scare him away. Why? Maybe from a fear to be happy. Or perhaps you are not ready for a relationship. It is very possible to like a guy consciously, and yet, push him away subconsciously. This is an example of the underlying issues in your bridge (from previous posts). Watch out. If self-sabotage is the driving issue for why you are getting mad at him, it may mean that you are not in a place to move on.

7. You never fully got mad at someone else. Yes, displacing your feelings. Someone hurt you in the past, but you didn't get closure. You were never allowed the freedom to shout at them and really cuss them out. Now, every guy you meet and care about is under the mercy of your wrath. I used to do this, so if it even remotely describes you, go HERE right away.



Guys Do This Too


Guys get mad for no reason too, and I cannot help but find it incredibly annoying. That is part of the reason why I stopped doing it.

Luckily, most guys do not do this. It normally happens when people are being overly sensitive. That is where overreactions come from.

You know that you are being overly sensitive when you comment on a person's every action--every movement. Example:


The GUY: Hey, Zabrinah.

ME: Hey.

The GUY: Wait a minute. Why'd you blink twice just now? Are you mad at me?


See? Annoying.



The Take-Home Message


Overreacting is for Justin Bieber fans and Twilight addicts. There is no reason to overreact in the real world with real people that you care about. Getting mad for no reason is a waste of your time. I promise there are more productive tasks to spend your energy on.


The solution to this problem is be #1 on the scale. If you don't understand what that means, please refresh your memory right HERE.



Love,



Zabrinah



Next Up: The Pruning Tree

Why You Can't Move On: Part Two

Based on Part One (read ME), you know that you cannot successfully move on from ANY relationship until you begin to clean up your bridge.

There are some things in life that you have no power over. Guess what? You do not have to worry about those things. However, there are other things that you definitely have command over: your underlying issues. I made it apparent that many of us have these and they hinder our relationships, but I did not give you a clear way to handle them.

Forgiveness


Forgiveness is a necessary step to clearing up your underlying issues. But it is also the most difficult step. You have to put your pride aside and forgive someone and then, yourself. You have to stop blaming and complaining if you ever want to be ready to move on.

Someone hurt you at a point in your life. It could be your father, your brother, your best friend, your ex-husband, your mother, your sister, or your ex-boyfriend. It could be anyone. The last thing you want to do is forgive this person. However, by holding on to the resentment and the hatred, you are only hindering yourself.

Concerning those people that hurt you without apologizing or taking responsibility for their actions, there are some hard and fast rules that you must be aware of:


1. NOTHING you do can make this person feel bad. Let me reiterate, do not try to make them feel bad. You will not succeed. You cannot make him hurt as much as you hurt. In fact, 9 times out of 10, you will end up sobbing/complaining to other people about how he hurt you even more when you tried to confront him "reasonably". Understand that this person does not care about you. Writing a letter, explaining how he hurt you, will not make him repent his actions. Pushing yourself to succeed so that he will regret never supporting you is no way to live. Here's a quote that very recently changed my life:


"Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." 


~Unknown


This is so true! Adhere to this piece of advice, especially when it hurts you to follow it. That is when you know it is necessary.


2. There is no path for revenge. Revenge is never an option. Get it through your head that there is no feasible way to hurt this person and leave you sane in the process.


3. The true test of forgiveness is whether you can send this person positive thoughts or blessings throughout the day--without any malice or hostility. I am not telling you to call the person up or even send a nice text. No, please do not contact him. You never have to discount the wrong he did to you. However, every time you recap the time of betrayal or abuse, send him a happy thought. Whisper it under your breath, but it must be said aloud. Memorize something that is more than one sentence long, like "I wish him joy and happiness. He must be in need of it right now. I wish him all the success in the world." But, instead of "him" you must say the person's name. Be completely serious and this will work wonders in your life! At first, it might nearly kill you to send off these little "blessings". Notice, I said nearly. Those first few days of saying it to yourself, the phrases may sound insincere, but you must keep going. In the long run, they will truly help you as they helped me!

Forgive Yourself

After you have forgiven him, forgiving yourself is the next step that will patch up the rest of the gaping holes in your bridge. 

Why is this necessary?

Often times, once we have forgiven someone that has hurt us, we still want to blame someone else for all those years we wasted our time--crying and messing up relationships, and feeling bad about ourselves. This is when you will want to kick yourself in the butt because you know better now. However, I am telling you not to. Forgive yourself instead. You didn't know you were wasting time back then. Let it go. You should be proud of yourself NOW, in the present. It would absolutely shock you to know how many people cannot forgive those who have hurt them, much less, forgive themselves for trying to hurt them back. 

How do you do it?

What is the process of forgiving yourself? Sure, you can send yourself daily blessings, but better yet, let me share another quote.

"Complaining is like slapping yourself for slapping yourself.  It doesn’t solve the problem, it just hurts you more."

~From HERE

I'll leave you to ponder that.



While In Repair ...


Depending on your issue, you may still have guys trying to cross your bridge while it is under construction. So, what do you do when a relationship offer appears before you are ready to move on?

Get out your large, neon signs and wave them about. Put up clear and visible, orange cones around the entrance. Do not let the poor guy cross a bridge with gaping holes that you KNOW are there. Be straightforward with guys who ask you out before you are ready. Do not go on pity dates. Do not even go on dream dates before you are ready. No matter how earnest, hot, sincere, or aggressive he is, I do not advise letting someone into your life as a romantic interest until your bridge is well under repair and ready to reveal. Besides, Faulty Contractors may be targeting you at this stage. Beware.


It is safer to be aware of the issues, work on fixing them, and then worry about guys. Enjoy life, my dears! I hope this post helped a few of you out.



Love,


Zabrinah



Next Up: Getting Mad At Him For No Reason

"He's Trying To Make Me Jealous"

If you have ever had a relationship in your head (click ME), then you understand what it's like to jump to conclusions. And subsequently, jump to conclusions based on those conclusions. One of these assumptions comes disguised in the well-used statement, "He's trying to make me jealous."

The guys I used to think were making me jealous were fellows who barely knew me. We were barely acquaintances, but daydreaming can bring you to the point where you believe the relationship is real. The point where you see him with other girls and assume:

A. He's trying to make you jealous,

or...

B. He's cheating on you.


But now, I have learned that it is ridiculous to do this and a complete waste of time. If you follow the Pact (located HERE) and wait for a guy to like you before you like him, you would never be disappointed when you see him holding hands with someone else. If the Pact isn't for you, at least, follow The Survival Guide To Attraction (click ME). Wait until you are both attracted to each other before assuming he's trying to make you jealous.



If He REALLY is ....


Warning: only .001% of guys try to do this, and it is never a good sign. 

If a guy really is trying to make you jealous, what does that say about him? People only try to make other people jealous when they have feelings for them. You don't want a guy who cannot tell you how he feels in a straightforward manner.


You cannot put up with a guy like this because he is insecure. If he's really trying to make you jealous, maybe this is the only way he believes he can get his feelings across. It is childish, NOT "cute". A guy that does this is nothing to brag about.



Don't Ignore It


When a guy is talking to you and brings up his girlfriend every forty-five seconds, don't ignore it. Listen to what he has to say and then evaluate him as a normal human being. Hopefully, you began the conversation in neutral; you did not dislike him as a person. However, someone that is always talking about their significant other is quite annoying because it can only mean one of two things: either they are insecure or obsessed. Actually, many people are both, and they are not fun to be around.


When the single guy you are attracted to at work goes around hugging EVERY girl in the office, don't get jealous. Do not assume he is doing it because he likes you. Each time I see this scenario play out, I simply allow the guy to give me reason to believe that he is a guy who flirts with everybody or an Undercover Pimp (click ME and ME). Acknowledge those facts and adapt accordingly. There is no reason to get jealous.



The Take-Home Message


In most cases--99.99% of them--the guy you suspect is flaunting his girlfriend in your face, is not trying to make you jealous. And if he is, so what? Do not let it get to when people are insecure about their relationships, and have to make sure the whole world has to know they love each other, every moment of the day.



Love,



Zabrinah


Next Up: Why You Can't Move On: Part 2

Why You Can't Move On

When any type of relationship is causing you pain, what is the first thing you want to do? Find somebody else. You want to replace the one that hurt you ... immediately. However, you may find yourself trapped in a cycle of hook-ups, unrequited crushes, and creepy facebook stalking (on your part) if you are desperately trying to move on from an unsuccessful relationship and "put yourself out there again".

There are roadblocks you should know about--specific times when you cannot and should not move on.

The Underlying Issue


There have been countless times when I have said, "Fine. I'll find somebody else! There are plenty of fish in the sea ... blah, blah, blah, etc...". Don't get me wrong; that is all good stuff to say! We should definitely have a bright and positive attitude when a relationship does not go as planned. But, look back for a moment. Think about the Two Way Tango (click HERE to read it).

Quite often, there is some underlying issue that stops you from truly finding happiness. You'd be surprised at what could be hindering you, especially if you thought you were issue-free. It could very well be a new issue, or an old one that is secretly lurking in the back of your subconscious, causing you to go for the Bad Boy (he's waiting for you HERE) over and over again, or overreact (click ME) before the relationship even begins.

Here are some examples of common underlying issues and the posts related to them:

1. Self-esteem/Confidence (HERE and HERE). Perhaps you don't see yourself as attractive. Well, if you don't, why do you expect anyone else to? Or maybe you need to work on having confidence in yourself whether you are in a relationship or not. Go to those links to find out more.

2. Afraid to be Happy/Self-sabotage (completely explained HERE).

3. Jealousy (covered HERE).


4. Loneliness (click ME).


At the end of the day, you need to work on the underlying issue before you even think of moving on. Remember that issue. Let it pester you until it has been talked out, cried out, and fully dealt with. Then, move on to tackle all the fish in the sea!



The Bridge


My best friend came up with a great metaphor the other day to help explain this problem!

There is a bridge that all guys must safely cross in order to get to your heart. Let's say it is one of those draw bridges that precariously sway over burning hot lava! Many guys will attempt this journey throughout your lifetime. However, there are gaps in your bridge--issues you have chosen to ignore, times when have chosen not to forgive, low self-esteem moments that you have decided not to correct--and you know they are there. Without warning, all the guys that try to get close to you, fall through these gaps.


If we take this metaphor quite literally, imagine a guy walking towards a girl he likes, and then falling into a pit of low self-confidence. It wouldn't really be his fault when relationship doesn't work out, huh? Do you know what's even worse? The gap in the bridge that corresponds with low confidence is midway through the journey--so you may already have deep feelings for the guy before he falls through the rotting wood and out of sight.

If you have childhood issues (maybe family related matters) that prevent you from successful relationships, the break in your rickety bridge might be right at the start. Your independent, personal, underlying issue may be the reason why you don't get asked out often or your relationships never get too far. Look into it.

Even if you just have one, that gap is your underlying issue, and it will stop you from achieving a successful relationship.

The Faulty Contractor


Here is a new type of guy you never saw coming. He directly relates to the bridge metaphor.


The Faulty Contractor makes promises, seemingly starts to repair your issues, and then takes off before the job is done. Has this ever happened to you? Did you meet the most wonderful guy, and while you were with him, nothing in your life seemed wrong? All your anger management issues, cured? Your low confidence, restored?

If you have been with a faulty contractor, then you know that the euphoria never lasts. He cannot truly fix the breaks in your bridge. He will apply scotch tape to rotting wood: a very temporary solution to a pressing problem.


Why you cannot let him into your life:

This type of guy is concrete proof that you cannot let anyone else fix your issues. They must begin and end with you in complete command. He will make you believe that your problems are solved, and then you will become desperately dependent on him, addicted to him--similar to many people's addiction to aspirin or tylenol. After a short time of overuse and dependency to these little, harmless pills, you become immune and tolerant.  Your body--your very core--will crave for something stronger, something riskier, more dangerous.

But, you cannot simply treat the symptoms of the gaps in your bridge. You need to get to the source and uproot those underlying issues one by one.



The Take-Home Message


We all have issues and none of us have had perfect lives up until this point. However, some of these issues interfere with our relationships, our health, and our overall happiness. More guys won't bring you more happiness. Fix yourself first. Become a whole person without all the drastic, dramatic issues that push the men you love away. Instead, find someone worthy of the journey to your heart--hopefully, he will be a whole person as well. Then, you can be two people (in love)! Basic math, my friends!



Love,



Zabrinah



Next Up: "He's Trying To Make Me Jealous"

What Could Have Been With What Never Actually Happened

You know those friends of yours who talk about their past relationships, and you really get sucked into the story, the drama, and all that? And then, when it's over, you realize that she (or he) was never actually with this guy! The guy did not even know she existed, and if he did, he did not care about her existence. They never had a real relationship. It was all in her head!

Are one of these storytellers? Does it go farther than that? Do you sit at home, watching romantic movies, relating to the characters and substituting a guy that you never actually dated (or had any any kind of relationship with) as the leading man? Yes, I have done this and only now--six months after I created this blog--do I realize how UNHEALTHY it is! Nothing ever happened with this person you fantasize about! So, why fantasize? There are real guys out there. Go out and get them.

When It's ALL In Your Head

What NEVER happened. . .


You do not even talk to that person. It is the ultimate daydream (click ME). This is taking the relationship in your head to another, insane, level (read ME).

You know it is all in your head when:

1. You have never actually talked to the guy.

2. You still plan your wedding day and futures together.

3. You have "keepsakes" that you have taken from him and cherish (and he does not know anything about this).


4. You see him with somebody else and get jealous (whether he even likes that person or not).


It is a little weird, but a lot of people do this. Even though it is fun to do, you need to stop and spend your time more productively.


Unnecessary Regret


Regret often comes up in this form:

"If only I had told him I liked him, but now he's married ..."

"If only I had been nicer to him, I would have a boyfriend right now..."

"If only I had changed ____ about myself, I would be with him today."

"If only I hadn't said ____, we would be together."


Nothing ever happened with these guys, so you need to move on. Guys let things go pretty quickly--remember the IV drip (right HERE), do not let the pain and regret linger for years and years.



Reasons Why You Should Stop


1. This preoccupation will stop you from meeting guys that are genuinely interested in you.

2. The guy that you wish something had happened with will be freaked out.

3. You are wasting time daydreaming, when you could be improving yourself.

4. Even if he IS "the one who got away", he got away. Case closed. No going back and lingering. Move on to something even better.

5. There is no reciprocity. This guy that something COULD have happened with does not see you in the same way. Those little things that happen between you to do not hold the same significance for him as they do for you.



The Take-Home Message


The thing about daydreaming about what could have been with what never actually happened, is that it never actually happened. Focusing on the past does not allow you to make room for the future. Even if it seems like there is no one better in your life to daydream about, simply by engaging in random relationships in your head, you are placing blinders on your vision--and you may not be able to see when something truly special comes along.


Work on yourself. You do not need a guy all the time.


Love,


Zabrinah



Next Up:  Why You Can't Move On

The Survival Guide To Attraction

You have started to crush on someone new! But, how can you tell if he feels the same way? More importantly, how do you know if you are actually attracted to him--and not his type (go HERE for types of guys)? My best friend and I have been talking about what makes guys attractive, and what makes them attracted to us, and other girls in general. These are one of the times when I am grateful for a blog to share our insights in depth. Get ready to learn some things about plain ol' attraction that you never knew before!

The Difference

Before we begin, I must explain the difference between being attracted to someone and finding someone attractive. Girls and women alike (and some guys, too) often mistake a guy finding them attractive for a guy being attracted to them. And then, they further the misconception by assuming, wishing, and hoping that he likes her back. Slow down, my friends. Let us first distinguish the difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone. 

Finding Someone Attractive:

In life, we will always notice attractive people. There is no overarching qualification of beauty--this is simply whether you enjoy what you are looking at on TV, in a magazine, or walking down the street. 

So, maybe I am the first to tell you this, but you have to believe me, no matter what you look like: there are and will always be handfuls of people who will find you attractive. It may or not be a romantic/sexual thing. I have learned that this number increases, the more self-confidence you have you in yourself. I mean, really, would you turn you head to stare at someone who walked with their head down, staring at the ground, or someone with confidence in every step? 

Confidence is a head-turner, and it always will be. 

Think about all the times you find someone attractive, but would never enter a relationship with them. There are so many, right? It goes the other way, too. Guys can appreciate how attractive you are, and never ask you out, no matter how you daydream, no matter how you like him. We forget that, constantly.

How do guys appreciate attractiveness?

The same way we all do:

1. Prolonged staring.

2. "Accidental" touching. 

3. Talking to you a lot ....

4. Flirting.

5. Laughing when nothing funny has been said (read ME).

6. More Flirting.

7. Continuous prolonged staring, then looking away ... and then staring some more.

If you notice, these are the same criteria that A LOT of people use when they think a guy has a crush on them. You have to realize that a guy can find you attractive, and never take it any further. None of the steps above mean that he likes you. The flirting, staring, and accidental touching only mean that he likes the way you look. Take his actions as a compliment, and nothing more. 

Being Attracted To Someone:

Almost always, guys find you attractive, and under the right circumstances, they move on to this step: being attracted to you. How? He needs to get to know you. He might have his own subconscious or very conscious list of basic standards (click ME), like: does she have a sense of humor, will my parents like her, will my friends like her, would I be proud to show her off? 

Questions like those above take the average guy milliseconds to answer and if he does not like the answers, he will move on to the next girl he finds attractive. 

I hope to be able to accomplish the same process, but it is not quite as easy. I always want to make excuses when he does not fit into my own basic standards, like, "Yes, he is a cheater, but he is troubled." That is not okay. We cannot make excuses. There are plenty of guys that fit your basic standards AND that you find attractive. Go meet them and be attracted to them. 

The Necessary Steps To Getting Asked Out

1. The guy finds you attractive.

2. You find the guy to be attractive.

3. He gets to know you and becomes attracted to you.

4. You become attracted to him.

5. He makes the decision to act on the aforementioned attraction and asks you on a date (or you do... either way...).

Seems pretty simple, right? Well, it is. However, there COUNTLESS ways we screw it up: 

1. We don't know the difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them.

2. We skip some of the steps and go straight to the first date.

3. We do them backwards. 

The only time it is acceptable to do the necessary steps in a random order is under these or similar circumstances:

You and this guy have been platonic friends for a while. You find him to be an attractive person, but this is not a romantic relationship, at all. Then, one day, he says he is beginning to like you as more and then asks you out. You agree, and on the date, it takes you by surprise how attracted you are to him!

Yay, happy successful relationship that lasts for eternity.

The above scenario sounds like the movies. But, it is very possible if YOU NEVER SEE IT COMING. Please do not anticipate all your attractive guy friends falling for you. This scenario is a rarity, but the best when it takes you happily by surprise.

The Problem?

This is a generalization, but I think that a lot of women ignore the first necessary step. They go for guys they do not find attractive. I have done this, but now with all the knowledge I have gained, I wonder why. I did not find him attractive. He did not fit HALF of my basic standards, and he was not attracted to me. And yet, I decided to be attracted to him and waste time liking him. The only good thing that came from it was that I was able to learn. Somehow, we are able to be attracted to guys that we do not find attractive. I do not think guys do this. Even if they no longer find someone they are with attractive, they did at the start of the relationship, and now they are left with the solid base of being attracted to their partner. It just strikes me as weird how there are more women that skip the first step than men. 

Attractiveness may not be an important quality to some people, and that is good in the general sense of society and what the media tells us is "attractive". However, in most cases, you should find the guy you like physically attractive in your own way (not what the magazine tells you), then if you are both attracted to another, the relationship can move on from there.

Love,

Zabrinah

Next Up: What Could Have Been With What Never Actually Happened

The Two Way Tango

You know what bothers me? When people blame guys for everything that went wrong in a relationship. Much more often than not, it is a two way tango. Perhaps he lied, but you also refused to communicate how it made you feel. Or maybe you fight more than necessary. It takes two people to argue. The time has come for us to inspect what YOU may have done wrong in past relationships.

Why do you need to take some responsibility for what went wrong in past relationships?

This is a touchy subject--taking responsibility, especially when the other person was just so wrong. In no way do I expect you say to yourself, "Oh, I should have never let him cheat on me." No! Jerks and Douchebags cheat (read about them HERE and HERE), and we do not need to support their actions.

However, we can learn so much from our past experiences if we can find the place or places where we went wrong. Maybe there are several instances like this, or possibly it is as simple as you changing what type of guy you are attracted to. Just look. Look for the places where you can take responsibility!


Do Not Call Them Mistakes


When recapping why you and your ex broke up, got back together again, and then broke up for good, do not say, "I made the mistake of not listening to my family and friends when they said he was no good." You are on the right track with this statement, but not with the right mindset. Your mindset is EVERYTHING. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Do not look at these experiences as overt mistakes. Instead, tell yourself that "It is a growth area of mine to listen to my friends and family, and honestly take what they say about my crushes and boyfriends under consideration." 

Next time the same situation occurs (and trust me, it will), you will remember that you must somehow grow in that circumstance. Your response to your family/friends needs to be different because that is an area you are dedicated to work on!


A Scenario


A relationship just ended between you and a guy who is severely immature (click ME).

With just that, you should be able to come up with a list of growth areas you discovered from that relationship. I will give you an example.

Growth Areas:

1. Next time, you will ask the guy you are dating about his goals/plans for the future before things get too serious.

2. You will remember to effectively communicate how it makes you feel when he is unreliable, and then, find the strength to (politely) confront him about it.

3. If he does not want to change, know for sure that he will not change. You cannot change this man! In fact, there is a .001% chance that you will succeed if you try (read all about your percentages HERE).

Gaining three growth areas from one relationship is wonderful! People who make good decisions have gone through a lot of bad experiences to get to that point.

Concerning #2 on the hypothetical growth area list, A LOT of us tend to be afraid of confrontation. We complain about the guy to all our friends behind his back, instead of telling him what is bothering us first. Maybe this is an area you need to work on. Start speaking up in a respectful way.



The Take-Home Message


I simply want you to look for those growth areas. It takes guts to take some responsibility. It takes MAJOR guts to change for the better. What will you avoid next time? What could you do differently? You can always be a better you.


Go out there, get a new dance partner, and have the best tango ever!


Love,


Zabrinah



Next Up: The Survival Guide To Attraction

The IV Drip

Looking back at past relationships, does it seem like the guys in your life have been able to move on a lot quicker than you have? There are some guys who can freely and healthily transition from one relationship to the next, without holding onto any baggage. But, what do you do when he is onto his fifth relationship since the break up and you are still grieving? Firstly, I recommend that you read 10 Ways To Stop Missing Him (right HERE), and secondly, I advise that you keep reading. 

A public speaker once said, "Men cry hard, but not long." You need to believe this is true of every guy you have ever dated and every guy you may possibly date in the future. He will cry hard, but not long when pain enters his life. 

What does that quote mean, exactly?

If you are still crushing on someone you dated five years ago, you need to realize that you left his mind about a week or so after the relationship ended. He did not have to get angry or hostile or talk about you to all of his guy friends, he just let you go. You cannot continue to pine over somebody who has let you go. It is final. 

You need to believe that for the guy you like, once the relationship ended, he allowed himself to feel all the pain he needed to in one swift moment (a week, or even a day, however long it takes...). Then he places you back into the vague area of: "Oh, I don't dislike this person."

Do Not Feel Bad

When you see an ex-whatever with a new person on his arm, there is no reason to feel bad about yourself. You must assume that he cried hard over you, but not long. He is not still thinking about you in the back of his mind; guys will always get somebody else. You can do the same. 

The IV Drip

The same public speaker said that women (and possibly some men, too!) "nurture pain". When he said that, I could not help but imagine an IV bag full of pain. You are on a metaphorical hospital bed and you just let the pain drip into your system, year after year. Every time you try to get over a guy, you mourn all the good times with him, and allow yourself to nurture that pain.

Well, I am telling you to stop! Face the pain the moment it comes knocking on your door. Feel it, and conquer it! Do not let it drip and drip and drip, hindering you from living your life. Do not avoid the pain after a bad experience. Do not go under it or around it. Stay in the present and just get it over with!

The Take-Home Message

In a way, I am telling all you lovely ladies (and guy readers, I see you out there!) to cry hard, but not long. Every time life brings you pain, feel it. Find a way to embrace it FULLY so you can move on.

This works remarkably in situations that are not related to love, as well. Each time, you have an embarrassing moment, or fail at one of your goals, cry really hard about it, but not for long. Do not relive the experience without learning something new for the next time you encounter the same situation.


Love,


Zabrinah


Next Up: The Two Way Tango