Why You Can't Move On: Part Two

Based on Part One (read ME), you know that you cannot successfully move on from ANY relationship until you begin to clean up your bridge.

There are some things in life that you have no power over. Guess what? You do not have to worry about those things. However, there are other things that you definitely have command over: your underlying issues. I made it apparent that many of us have these and they hinder our relationships, but I did not give you a clear way to handle them.

Forgiveness


Forgiveness is a necessary step to clearing up your underlying issues. But it is also the most difficult step. You have to put your pride aside and forgive someone and then, yourself. You have to stop blaming and complaining if you ever want to be ready to move on.

Someone hurt you at a point in your life. It could be your father, your brother, your best friend, your ex-husband, your mother, your sister, or your ex-boyfriend. It could be anyone. The last thing you want to do is forgive this person. However, by holding on to the resentment and the hatred, you are only hindering yourself.

Concerning those people that hurt you without apologizing or taking responsibility for their actions, there are some hard and fast rules that you must be aware of:


1. NOTHING you do can make this person feel bad. Let me reiterate, do not try to make them feel bad. You will not succeed. You cannot make him hurt as much as you hurt. In fact, 9 times out of 10, you will end up sobbing/complaining to other people about how he hurt you even more when you tried to confront him "reasonably". Understand that this person does not care about you. Writing a letter, explaining how he hurt you, will not make him repent his actions. Pushing yourself to succeed so that he will regret never supporting you is no way to live. Here's a quote that very recently changed my life:


"Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." 


~Unknown


This is so true! Adhere to this piece of advice, especially when it hurts you to follow it. That is when you know it is necessary.


2. There is no path for revenge. Revenge is never an option. Get it through your head that there is no feasible way to hurt this person and leave you sane in the process.


3. The true test of forgiveness is whether you can send this person positive thoughts or blessings throughout the day--without any malice or hostility. I am not telling you to call the person up or even send a nice text. No, please do not contact him. You never have to discount the wrong he did to you. However, every time you recap the time of betrayal or abuse, send him a happy thought. Whisper it under your breath, but it must be said aloud. Memorize something that is more than one sentence long, like "I wish him joy and happiness. He must be in need of it right now. I wish him all the success in the world." But, instead of "him" you must say the person's name. Be completely serious and this will work wonders in your life! At first, it might nearly kill you to send off these little "blessings". Notice, I said nearly. Those first few days of saying it to yourself, the phrases may sound insincere, but you must keep going. In the long run, they will truly help you as they helped me!

Forgive Yourself

After you have forgiven him, forgiving yourself is the next step that will patch up the rest of the gaping holes in your bridge. 

Why is this necessary?

Often times, once we have forgiven someone that has hurt us, we still want to blame someone else for all those years we wasted our time--crying and messing up relationships, and feeling bad about ourselves. This is when you will want to kick yourself in the butt because you know better now. However, I am telling you not to. Forgive yourself instead. You didn't know you were wasting time back then. Let it go. You should be proud of yourself NOW, in the present. It would absolutely shock you to know how many people cannot forgive those who have hurt them, much less, forgive themselves for trying to hurt them back. 

How do you do it?

What is the process of forgiving yourself? Sure, you can send yourself daily blessings, but better yet, let me share another quote.

"Complaining is like slapping yourself for slapping yourself.  It doesn’t solve the problem, it just hurts you more."

~From HERE

I'll leave you to ponder that.



While In Repair ...


Depending on your issue, you may still have guys trying to cross your bridge while it is under construction. So, what do you do when a relationship offer appears before you are ready to move on?

Get out your large, neon signs and wave them about. Put up clear and visible, orange cones around the entrance. Do not let the poor guy cross a bridge with gaping holes that you KNOW are there. Be straightforward with guys who ask you out before you are ready. Do not go on pity dates. Do not even go on dream dates before you are ready. No matter how earnest, hot, sincere, or aggressive he is, I do not advise letting someone into your life as a romantic interest until your bridge is well under repair and ready to reveal. Besides, Faulty Contractors may be targeting you at this stage. Beware.


It is safer to be aware of the issues, work on fixing them, and then worry about guys. Enjoy life, my dears! I hope this post helped a few of you out.



Love,


Zabrinah



Next Up: Getting Mad At Him For No Reason