The Survival Guide To Attraction

You have started to crush on someone new! But, how can you tell if he feels the same way? More importantly, how do you know if you are actually attracted to him--and not his type (go HERE for types of guys)? My best friend and I have been talking about what makes guys attractive, and what makes them attracted to us, and other girls in general. These are one of the times when I am grateful for a blog to share our insights in depth. Get ready to learn some things about plain ol' attraction that you never knew before!

The Difference

Before we begin, I must explain the difference between being attracted to someone and finding someone attractive. Girls and women alike (and some guys, too) often mistake a guy finding them attractive for a guy being attracted to them. And then, they further the misconception by assuming, wishing, and hoping that he likes her back. Slow down, my friends. Let us first distinguish the difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone. 

Finding Someone Attractive:

In life, we will always notice attractive people. There is no overarching qualification of beauty--this is simply whether you enjoy what you are looking at on TV, in a magazine, or walking down the street. 

So, maybe I am the first to tell you this, but you have to believe me, no matter what you look like: there are and will always be handfuls of people who will find you attractive. It may or not be a romantic/sexual thing. I have learned that this number increases, the more self-confidence you have you in yourself. I mean, really, would you turn you head to stare at someone who walked with their head down, staring at the ground, or someone with confidence in every step? 

Confidence is a head-turner, and it always will be. 

Think about all the times you find someone attractive, but would never enter a relationship with them. There are so many, right? It goes the other way, too. Guys can appreciate how attractive you are, and never ask you out, no matter how you daydream, no matter how you like him. We forget that, constantly.

How do guys appreciate attractiveness?

The same way we all do:

1. Prolonged staring.

2. "Accidental" touching. 

3. Talking to you a lot ....

4. Flirting.

5. Laughing when nothing funny has been said (read ME).

6. More Flirting.

7. Continuous prolonged staring, then looking away ... and then staring some more.

If you notice, these are the same criteria that A LOT of people use when they think a guy has a crush on them. You have to realize that a guy can find you attractive, and never take it any further. None of the steps above mean that he likes you. The flirting, staring, and accidental touching only mean that he likes the way you look. Take his actions as a compliment, and nothing more. 

Being Attracted To Someone:

Almost always, guys find you attractive, and under the right circumstances, they move on to this step: being attracted to you. How? He needs to get to know you. He might have his own subconscious or very conscious list of basic standards (click ME), like: does she have a sense of humor, will my parents like her, will my friends like her, would I be proud to show her off? 

Questions like those above take the average guy milliseconds to answer and if he does not like the answers, he will move on to the next girl he finds attractive. 

I hope to be able to accomplish the same process, but it is not quite as easy. I always want to make excuses when he does not fit into my own basic standards, like, "Yes, he is a cheater, but he is troubled." That is not okay. We cannot make excuses. There are plenty of guys that fit your basic standards AND that you find attractive. Go meet them and be attracted to them. 

The Necessary Steps To Getting Asked Out

1. The guy finds you attractive.

2. You find the guy to be attractive.

3. He gets to know you and becomes attracted to you.

4. You become attracted to him.

5. He makes the decision to act on the aforementioned attraction and asks you on a date (or you do... either way...).

Seems pretty simple, right? Well, it is. However, there COUNTLESS ways we screw it up: 

1. We don't know the difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them.

2. We skip some of the steps and go straight to the first date.

3. We do them backwards. 

The only time it is acceptable to do the necessary steps in a random order is under these or similar circumstances:

You and this guy have been platonic friends for a while. You find him to be an attractive person, but this is not a romantic relationship, at all. Then, one day, he says he is beginning to like you as more and then asks you out. You agree, and on the date, it takes you by surprise how attracted you are to him!

Yay, happy successful relationship that lasts for eternity.

The above scenario sounds like the movies. But, it is very possible if YOU NEVER SEE IT COMING. Please do not anticipate all your attractive guy friends falling for you. This scenario is a rarity, but the best when it takes you happily by surprise.

The Problem?

This is a generalization, but I think that a lot of women ignore the first necessary step. They go for guys they do not find attractive. I have done this, but now with all the knowledge I have gained, I wonder why. I did not find him attractive. He did not fit HALF of my basic standards, and he was not attracted to me. And yet, I decided to be attracted to him and waste time liking him. The only good thing that came from it was that I was able to learn. Somehow, we are able to be attracted to guys that we do not find attractive. I do not think guys do this. Even if they no longer find someone they are with attractive, they did at the start of the relationship, and now they are left with the solid base of being attracted to their partner. It just strikes me as weird how there are more women that skip the first step than men. 

Attractiveness may not be an important quality to some people, and that is good in the general sense of society and what the media tells us is "attractive". However, in most cases, you should find the guy you like physically attractive in your own way (not what the magazine tells you), then if you are both attracted to another, the relationship can move on from there.

Love,

Zabrinah

Next Up: What Could Have Been With What Never Actually Happened