When You Don't Know How To Flirt

Alright. I'll admit it. I've googled, "how to flirt", before. Even worse, I've searched, "how to make a guy like you". But I promise that this was a long time ago! Okay. Perhaps a couple of months ago ... and Google filled in most of the words for me, anyway.

Flirting is a big deal. Being a bad flirter can be a major social faux pas. For some reason, we're all EXPECTED to be good at it. When we're not good at it, there's a variety of labels society will use to describe you: rejected, loser, awkward. The list goes on and on. Similar to swagger, confidence, and a high self-esteem, you can't fake it. There's no way to pretend that you're good at flirting. You either have it or you don't.

So, what if your parents didn't pass on the flirting gene? What if there's a big, neon sign on your forehead that flashes, "FAIL", each time you start a conversation with a hot guy? What if you stammer and overreact (read ME) when a guy comes near you?  If you have this problem or know anybody else who does, then, you have come to the right place. Keep reading to find out what happens when you don't know how to flirt...

How NOT To Flirt


I'm going to be straightforward. Let me show you with my own experiences. If you are familiar with this blog, then you know that I won't hesitate to embarrass myself for your benefit. The following is a recollection of a REAL conversation I had (before the blog and all the self-realizations about my life and how warped & boy-crazy my mind actually was) with a REAL guy only one year ago:


GUY: What are you doing tonight?

ME: Um ... I don't know. Probably just some work. I have a lot of that to do--work, I mean. A lot of work, unless... Never mind. I'm probably not doing anything because I feel kind of sick. My stomach hurts, like I could throw up. Oh! But, not that I throw up all the time! Or ever. I actually haven't thrown up since I was eight. Is that weird? I think so. But, you know, I'm happy that I'm not throwing up all the time. Who would want that? My stomach does hurt, though. What are you doing? Tonight, I mean [insert inevitable sigh after talking too much without taking a breath]. Heh.


I would love to share more, such as his response, but I don't remember it! I must have blocked it out due to all the embarrassment associated with this memory. Seriously, bad flirting can be one of the turning points of your life! It brought me to change my whole philosophy on dating and relationships. I'm so much better now! Life runs smoother and easier. And I have more energy, if you can believe it. Concentrating on how not to fall in love, makes falling in love and forming solid relationships with guys occur more naturally, with less mishaps, rambling incidents, misdirected daydreams, and the like.

How do you know if you are like the "old me"--a chronically bad flirter? Well, there are some signs you might want to look out for.



Signs That You Are NOT Good At Flirting


1. You ignore him. Contrary to the popular mantra backed by every middle school girl, ignoring a guy is NOT a successful flirting tactic. It's childish. Annoying. And completely counterintuitive. Why does it make it sense to ignore the guy you like? However, let's say you're crushing on a weird one, and ignoring him is somehow working for you. Where do you go from there? What could this possible lead to? I know the answer to that--a hostile relationship. I haven't covered that topic yet, but it's highly destructive: a relationship where the two of you deliberately try to hurt each other. Fun, 10% of the time. Torturous heartbreak, the other 90%.

2. You freeze up. When he asks what you're doing later, you don't say anything at all. Your mind legitimately goes blank. Your vision gets all blurry. Maybe you mumble a bit, and then you run away. Freezing up is not flirting. There's no way a cute guy should prevent you from functioning as a normal human being! But, it happens all the time.

3. You ramble. I might have had this problem in the past. Okay. I definitely had this problem. Sharing unecessary details as an answer to a simple question is no way to have a conversation. With anyone. Good news, though. This can very easily be resolved.

4. You touch him in awkward places. Don't take this the wrong way, now. You know what I'm trying to say. It's that deliberate shoulder brush. Or making sure your hand touches his when you let him borrow a pencil. Touchiness is a part of flirting, according to popular websites, but this is taking it too far. Do not plan your every movement around him. He may not notice, but it's creepy. If I can stop this, so can you!

5. You do that awful giggle. I was on the train the other day and there was this adorable girl. I believe she was a freshman in college. Yes, I eavesdrop. Hardcore. Anyways ... she was by herself--docile and wonderful--as people were bording and getting seated. A few minutes later, a decent-looking guy sits next to her. And suddenly, I watched this adorable girl disrupt her beauty and her charm with one simple thing: That Awful Giggle. It was loud, and not just because we were in a confined space. It was really loud. It was also repetitive. She laughed at everything he said, whether it was funny or not. I'm talking about an awful giggle every 30 seconds. Not okay. We have to stop this, my friends. Once again, counterintuitive: the opposite of cute.

6. You ask too many questions. Still riffing off that girl on the train. She's a source of inspiration, I tell you. She would ask question after question, desperately attempting to prolong a conversation with a guy she'd probably never see again. Don't draw out a dying conversation. If the two of you have nothing in common, let it be. The message in the movie theaters is right: Silence is golden.



Be Yourself!


Oh, brother. Doesn't it bother you when people tell you to "Be Yourself"? And then they give you a knowing smile--maybe even a nod--believing that they've magically solved all your problems.

I hear it so often that this piece of advice is no longer helpful. This is how it usually goes:


ME: I didn't get invited to that dance. I don't think that boy likes me.

SOMEONE: Be yourself!


ME: She's not my friend anymore. She joined another clique.

SOMEONE: Be yourself!


ME: My hamster pooped on my bed.

SOMEONE: Be... yourself?!?



Somebody's ALWAYS ready and waiting to tell you to be yourself. They work it in, somehow.You don't need me to tell you again. However, should you believe the hype? Of course. Does all this "be yourself" stuff really work? Definitely. But let me explain it to you in a different way.



Be A 1.


I've shared this before, but maybe you're new here. We could always a use a good refresher.

There's this scale, a "How Much I Like A Guy" Meter, to be exact, that measures how much you like him. Here's a description of the very first level:

"Level 1: You don’t dislike him. He’s okay. He’s just another person in your life."

See the rest of the scale HERE.


Surprisingly enough, you don't need to be a lean, mean, flirting machine to hold a guy's attention. You don't need to practice. And you certainly don't need to google how to do it. Essentially you must begin by behaving the same way you do with a person you're a solid 1 for.

Whenever I feel the urge to ramble, I simply ask myself, "How would I behave around so-and-so?" That changes everything. Subsequently, I modify my behavior. Now, I've reached the point where I rarely need to keep myself in check. This really works!

Being a 1 is how I learned to consistently be myself in a variety of social situations. In life, we're always acting--choosing how much of ourselves to reveal, and how much to hold back. By telling myself, "I don't dislike these people, they're pretty okay", I'm able to have natural, normal conversations without the pressure to impress or the fear of disagreeing. I also found out that I was funny. There's a gentle confidence in being a 1. Each time I use this tactic, someone (even people I've known for a while) happens to tell me, "Hey, you're funny." Who knew?!

And you have to be a 1 when nobody's watching. You don't get to jump up and down and celebrate each time he texts you or writes on your wall. He cannot control your day like that. It isn't healthy. Grand gestures should bring you joy, but a poke on facebook is nothing to write home about.


Hopefully, I helped you guys out with your flirting woes. This article was a walk down "recent memory lane" for me, and it was super fun to write! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.


Love,


~Zabrinah



Next Up: The Facebook Test: Part One



***

If you enjoyed this post, please share it (twitter, facebook, digg ... there are many options!!), become a follower (bloglovin' or Google Friend Connect), and subscribe by RSS or email. I really appreciate the support!