The Non-Committal Guy

Thank you Ashley for suggesting this type. Read her blog, HERE.


What qualifies as commitment? When he says, "I love you"? When you meet his family? How about when he gets down on one knee?

It's difficult to define commitment, but not too hard to classify this type. He's far less ambiguous than the others. He's The Non-Committal Guy.

Identifying Him


1. His actions don't live up to the circumstances. This is the main one. If you've been dating for one year, and he still doesn't want to be exclusive, then something's wrong! When he's hesitant to show up for your New Year's party, something's wrong! If the circumstances of your relationship call for some big gesture on his part, he should provide it. If you're paying his way through school or supplying him with a roof over his head, you better be the only person he's seeing. You need a commitment, or else things get messy (for further information, read the article, His Actions, HERE).

2. He doesn't want to call. We're delving more specifically into Identifier #1. Not calling, refusing to answer text messages, and never returning calls is a huge part of The Non-Committal Guy's life. He may have great phone etiquette at first, but it will fizzle out as the circumstances heighten and the relationship becomes more serious. And just to be clear, frequently writing on your facebook wall does not qualify as commitment. In fact, I see that as having a relationship "for show", where you do couple-y, public things in order to overcompensate for your relationship's blatant lack of substance.

3. The Dynamic of No Progress. This guy does not want to commit. He doesn't want to take what you have to the next level. Every time you take a step forward, he will take one step backwards. The more you push, the more he'll pull away. If you come up with an extravagant gift for his birthday, you might as well expect him to forget your's altogether (or give you a $10 dollar gift card to a store you never shop at--either one). The closer you come, the farther away he'll be. The Dynamic of No Progress relates to Reciprocity (click HERE to read about it).

4. He always has an excuse--or several. They're not the best excuses. You definitely doubt him in your mind. And you whine about how implausible his lies are with your friends. But somehow, these excuses are good enough to prevent you from confronting him. We'll address that problem later.


Excuses


Let me just give you a few examples of what we're up against:

YOU: I left you four text messages last night. You didn't return any of them. What happened?
HIM: Oh ... I never respond to those.

YOU: Where were you? I waited and you never showed up.
HIM: I'm going through a lot right now. Did I ever tell you the full story of my childhood?

YOU: Do you love me?
HIM: I care about you [or any change of subject].


Why He's Non-Committal


Reason #1: He doesn't like you as much as you like him. Or he simply doesn't want you enough. Both unacceptable, by the way. These are the instances in which you leave.

Reason #2: He has a messed up past that created a fear of commitment--so that he's basically The Sad Puppy (read about him HERE).

Reason #3: He just wants to mess with you (because he can, meaning that you're willing to be messed with), which brings us back to Reason #1.


The No-Commitment Trap
 
 

"Friends with benefits."

"A casual relationship."

"We don't know what this is."

"We're just enjoying ourselves."

"We'll see where this goes."

What do all of the phrases above have in common? They're traps! Well-disguised, but traps, nevertheless.

Here's an excerpt from an older post, Should I Be Flattered? Part Two (click ME), where I discuss "blurry things":

" I don’t recommend friends with benefits and physical relationships of that manner is because things get blurry. Why place myself in a situation where I’ll undoubtedly have to struggle between my mind and my heart? And personally, I’m not comfortable with what I cannot identify.


What blurry things?


a. The boundaries of the relationship. What he is expected to do. What you are expected to provide. When is it appropriate? What is proper? When to stop? If he gets a “real” girlfriend, is it over?


b. When it’s okay to feel things. Honestly, your own feelings get blurry. You don’t know when it’s okay to feel hurt or angry at him. You check with your friends: “He didn’t call back. I should be angry, right?” It’s not like the two of you signed a contract, you don’t know what to expect. Subsequently, neither does your heart.


These elements get blurry because they are never discussed. Everything’s fun. Spontaneous. That can be great, but let’s compare your relationship to a car. Before your road trip, the two of you decide to cover all the windows and the windshield with duct tape. Sounds ridiculous, but it's also crazy and fun and something to talk about with your friends, so you do it. You start to drive. And you can't see anything. This isn’t about working with the unfamiliar or the unknown. This isn’t a new adventure or a challenging road you’ve never tackled before. This is a dark, blurry mess of a position you've put yourself in. The two of you made a choice not to see where you’re going (out of fear, the desire for danger, or even for the sake of spontaneous fun).

But we often forget that it's impossible to be in a duct-taped, moving vehicle without a sense of underlying anxiety. This is where your conscious mind, the common sense that you try so hard to ignore, wonders, “Where is this going? Where are we? What am I doing here? What’s coming towards us? Are we heading the right way? This isn’t safe.” You can’t see the conditions of the road. You don’t know if you’re going too fast or too slow. And who’s driving? Who decides when it’s too dangerous? When is it time to pull over? You can’t even tell him how you feel because you openly decided to get into a car with duct tape on the windows!!! You helped him create this deathtrap. He didn’t force you into it. He called, and you showed up.
 You’re stuck. Too much confusion. Too many questions. Too much blurriness. No visibility. What’s the point of a road trip where you can’t look out the window and enjoy the progression from state to state? If I’m not completely comfortable, then the relationship is not for me. I want to be in car where I can see the view. I want to take pride in how far we’ve come. I want to be able to voice how I feel all the time. I don’t need to see the final destination, but I want to see how we got there. "



Don't fall for the traps. You will inevitably end up wanting to see him more or not at all. You'll either love him or hate him (read that article HERE). It's either one or the other. You might despise him for never making substantial plans with you. Or this lack of reciprocation might bring you to desperately want him more. It happens.


Why You Fall For Him


The Reason: His appeal stems from the fact that not many people can pull off a "casual relationship" smoothly. And we tend to believe that we can pull it off, and eventually change him. That way, we can tell our friends that we acheived the impossible with a guy who's afraid of commitment.

Did you know that humans are classified as a polygamous species? According to theories in Human Biology and Pyschology, we're technically supposed to have several partners and various open relationships. However, we choose to be monogamous because of our offspring. Because of the fidelity (sexual and emotional) that we can provide for each other one-on-one. Humans have broken the norm and defied science. So, don't let him get away the excuses.


How To Stop Falling Before You Start


Once you begin to feel an attraction to him, whether your relationship is platonic or in that all gooey stage, you should figure out what you're both looking for. Are you on the same page? You should know the answer to that question before approaching a relationship with any type of guy.

When you do come across The Non-Committal Guy--even if you've already fallen for him, and then some--do not AVOID the situation. You still need to find out what he's looking for. If he's unsure, but you're very sure of what you want, you must end it and look elsewhere. Better yet, find something more productive to do with your time that will allow you to improve as a human being.


Fast Action


You need to quickly free yourself from this guy because he's the type that won't be the first to let go. Never there when you want him to be, but always calling when you think you've gotten rid of him. He'll ultimately keep you around--waiting. Like an eagle's prey, you won't loosen yourself from his talon's grip by squirming. You need to get vicious and make a clean break.

The eagle may have his eye on you, sizing you up for his next tasty prey.

How do you defeat him? With common sense. Outwit him. By now, you know you can't "casually" date this guy. You can't survive in a relationship with absolutely no commitments. Run away, before he begins the chase. And never let him catch you.


Love,


Zabrinah


P.S.


Next Up: *The Guy Who Plays Guitar*
                          (a GUEST POST written by Maria Rainier)

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