The Guy Who Plays Guitar

Z-Note: Hey, everybody. This is a GUEST POST written by MARIA RAINIER. I only made the little cartoon. Read her bio at the end of this article! And please enjoy!


You know him. He’s the guy who plays three different instruments—but lead guitar best of all—and has a voice that you swear was put on this earth for the sole purpose of singing you to sleep at night. Before you go crowd surfing toward the stage and wildly throw your underwear at him, though, read on.

Corralling people into basic categories or personality types is never an accurate--never mind--ethical practice, but just to make things easier and to offer you a glimpse of perspective, here are three categories into which guys who play guitar often fit.


The Egomaniac


There’s nothing wrong with supporting a guy with dreams of being a rock star. Sure, he tells you that he’ll be faithful despite the trailing groupies, that he’ll always make time for you even during his tours across the universe, that as long as you support him, he’ll be there for you. Here’s a story, though:

I wasn’t into him, but I knew a guy who you never saw without a guitar physically in his hands, leaning against his chair, or painted onto an old t-shirt. He shared visions of grandeur with his enamored girlfriend to whom he made all the promises mentioned above. What’s he doing now, years later?

Playing once-in-a-while gigs at trashy bars. This is fine, since success usually doesn’t happen overnight.

My contention with the idea of being his girlfriend is that his bloated ego mistakes his “meh” kind of talent with Joe Perry-esque guitar-shredding, face-melting, godlike genius. He’s basically too busy worshipping himself to pay much attention to anything else, least of all the inexplicably enamored girl dangling off his elbow. The Egomaniac will never keep his promises because he’s too busy chasing his own dreams and stroking his own unjustly massive ego to bother with other people. Even if he’s talented enough to warrant such an ego (and nobody ever really is), that’s no excuse for treating you, his girlfriend, like an accessory.


The Playboy


Once, for about three minutes, I was charmed by a talented guitarist who jokingly sand a song called “Just Swallow” on a stage before a mellow crowd of Guinness-drunk college kids. I already knew him from class—he was smart, funny, good-looking, athletic, and friendly. I hadn’t cared much about him until I saw him make a heretofore bored crowd sway to his silly lyrics and honey-sweet voice. I believed, for three minutes, that the deal was sealed and he was mine.

But the reason my fascination only lasted three minutes? He winked at about twenty different girls and, after the song was finished, made out with four of them in the space of thirty seconds. Even though it had looked like he was singing only to me—disturbing, since he kept repeating “just swallow”—I realized quickly that he had looked that way to about twenty other girls in the same crowd. That’s his thing—he makes every girl feel like she’s the center of the universe, but she never really is. The Playboy feels that there are enough heart-melting songs and guitar chords to go around. He’s always on the search for a muse, new or old, this way or that, and ultimately takes very little seriously, least of all a girlfriend.


The Hamlet


Hamlet loved Ophelia, but his problem was that he was too busy brooding, doubting himself, and battling skeletons in his closet to do anything about it. Hamlet-types are usually genuinely talented (see the post on September 26th). The problem with this is that he’s full of self-doubt—will he make it? will the public get the message of peace between the lines of his cryptic lyrics? Will he be taken seriously by the media?—and probably harbors a very fragile ego (if not an oversized one, but the two aren’t mutually exclusive, meaning he can be both a super arrogant douchebag as well as really easy to hurt).

True, you can be the one to build up his confidence and support his dreams, but let’s be realistic. If he does make it (and so few do), he’ll likely just get drunk off of success and treat you like a hangover.


Rules of Thumb


It doesn’t matter which guy your guitar-boy fits into—these are basic dos and don’ts you’ll find handy to remember:


1. Don’t take him away from the band unless they’re a bad influence on him (for reasons other than forcing him to spend less time with you). If he starts hanging out with you more than the band, you’ll be the new Yoko Ono. No one wants to be the girl who breaks up The Beatles.

2. If he’s an Egomaniac or a Playboy, leave him alone to grow up. This doesn’t mean come back next week. It means find someone else.

3. If he’s a Hamlet, be patient with him, if you insist on dating him. Don’t be surprised if he continually pushes you away. If you’re looking for fun, you won’t find it here.


Bio: Maria Rainier is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at First in Education, researching areas of online degree programs. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.


Z-Note: Thank you, Maria! She did an awesome job with this post, don't you think?


Next Up: The Manipulator