Long Distance Relationships

Mellisa kindly requested that I do a post on long distance relationships. You can check out her blog here!

We’ve all been away from the guy we like for some period of time. Maybe he’s the boy at school—you’re used to seeing him everyday, but now it’s summer vacation. Or maybe it’s your husband who’s going away on a business trip. Or it could be your boyfriend, and the two of you don’t live in the same area anymore.

You’ve seen couples in movies and on television. They were close, but now they’re from each other. And it’s a struggle. Maybe you’re thinking of Jim and Pam from The Office (when Pam went to art school in New York). Or perhaps, the starring couple from The Notebook. Or even Drew Barrymore’s and Justin Long’s characters in their new movie, Going the Distance. No matter the circumstances, long distance relationships are very present in our lives, but how do you survive one without all the excessive tears, the severe loneliness, and the dramatic monologues?


First, let me warn you of the common pitfalls.

How To Fail At Long Distance Relationships


1. Not being sure of the commitment. You shouldn’t have to wonder, “Are we dating?”, “Does he like me as much as I like him?”, “Does he miss me?”, “Are we exclusive?”, “If one of us cheats, should we tell the other?” None of those are good questions to have during a long distance relationship. You should already know the answers to all of them.

2. No set date to reunite/No future plans together. There needs to be a deadline when all the long distance is over. That means, when that date comes along, the two of you will be together—location-wise—again. It could be next week or ten years from now, but the date needs to be clear to both of you.

3. Too many future plans together. Look at your life goals. They should not all revolve around him. Save a few for yourself that you can and will achieve whether he’s around or not. Yes, he is a HUGE part of your life—and you’ll want his support in all areas—but there will never be a day when obsessing is considered healthy.

4. Only one form of communication (ie…. just texting or only skyping…or only communicating through facebook). You need to have various mediums. I mean, at least FIVE DIFFERENT PRIMARY WAYS to contact him. Write him a letter! Send him a homemade card (even if you suck at drawing)! Write a blog post about him and send him the url. Talk on the phone..... there are many, many options.

5. Lack of visiting .... Lack of effort. When it’s possible, you must make reasonable efforts to see each other. It doesn’t have to be every Saturday, not even once a month. But, you have to try. The fact that you both took the time to visit each other shows the strength of the relationship. It proves that it isn’t one-sided. That it can last. So, if either of you can make it happen… visit.

6. Not having something productive to occupy your thoughts and your free time. This past summer I taught myself guitar. What can you do to make the day feel valuable? Even in a very serious relationship, his every phone call, the way he says, “Hello” should not regularly control the ups and downs of your day. Find a productive activity that consistently makes you happy, and get to it!

7. Too much daydreaming (read about daydreams here). It’s not always helpful to imagine your blissful reunion when the long distance part of your relationship comes to an end. Why? Obsessive daydreaming leads to anticlimactic results. He may not look the way you pictured him. He won’t hug you the way you thought he would. His arms will feel different than how they did in the daydream, and though you’re happy to see him, all the differences may add sour tinge to what should be a glorious reunion. I’m certainly not telling you to lower your expectations, just cut out the exaggerated fantasies and focus on improving yourself and your life in every way! You can’t fail there.


Now, let's discuss what you can do.

How To Succeed At Long Distance Relationships


1. Find a way to set "rules" without feeling that you're being annoying. As humans, we often leave important issues, uncovered and unspoken because we’re too afraid to offend someone or intrude where we don’t belong. But in a long distance relationship, if you never discuss what is and isn’t allowed, then you’re setting yourself up for disaster. Simply find the common ground—a mutual agreement over what is to be expected for the time period.

2. Discover a schedule with spontaneity. Do you speak every other weekend? Does he send a postcard every Thursday? Mix some impulsiveness into a sturdy schedule. Send him an email when he thinks he's going to get a letter. Video chat him right when he wakes up instead of in the afternoon.

3. Figure out if the two of you are on the same page. Reciprocity (read that article here). If you’re writing letters, making cards, and sending daily video messages, and he’s only texting you once every two weeks? Something’s wrong. With all the communication you two are doing, you must be able to see if he feels the same way. Is he reluctant to come home right after his obligations are over? He doesn’t sound excited to see you as the deadline comes closer? Step back and be objective. If you can’t remain unbiased, ask a very good, very close friend for advice. But, choose someone who’s not afraid to tell you the truth, even when it hurts.

4. Keep a journal. Write down all the happy times and the sad moments as well. You'll really enjoy reading them when you look back at the situation. If journaling is not your style, try yoga. Meditation. Pilates. Tai Chi. If you don’t find some sort of therapeutic way to truly express your feelings, stress will build. Unnecessary Stress + Long Distance Relationships = Horrific Disaster.

5. Don’t be afraid of arguments. Having a verbal spar with him every once in a while is not the end of the world. It doesn’t mean that your relationship is crumbling from the circumstance. You may not live in the same area, but you’re still a couple. Couples do argue. And as long as it’s done in a healthy manner, the two of you might continue to have a few disagreements here and there.



When all else fails, tell yourself: if this is meant to last, it will. Long distance relationships are normally a temporary situation, even if temporary means years. Or even if the same situation keeps reoccuring. It’s a transitional phase. When things get difficult, remember that you’re transitioning. The relationship is progressing to a stronger, emotional and psychological level each time you succeed being apart.


Good luck!


Love,

Zabrinah



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