A Hero Complex & Leaky People

Do you desperately want everyone around you to be happy and problem-free? Do you feel like it’s your obligation to help the people you come in contact with? Do you spend your time trying to please them all? There’s nothing wrong with helping people, but where do you draw the line? When have you done enough?

Let me introduce you to the hero complex.


How To Identify It:


1. You show up at a restaurant, a school, a workplace, and find yourself helping somebody.

2. You find it difficult to say “No."

3. You sacrifice yourself and your own well-being.

4. You don’t say what’s on your mind.

5. It’s hard for you to cut bad people out of your life.


So, maybe you have an acute version of the complex. Or maybe this is exactly how you lead your life. I’ll tell you now that your intentions are not wrong. In fact, they’re very admirable. You want to help mankind. You want to make the world a better place. Nothing wrong with that. Until you take it too far. Helping people too much—trying to please everyone—is more than you can handle. It can become destructive, not only to yourself, but to the very same people you’re trying to help.


Hopefully, your friends and family see your good works and applaud you for it. When you offer to help them with a yawn and triple bags under your eyes, hopefully they tell you: “No, I’m okay tonight, you get some rest.” But some people aren’t as thoughtful. Some people don’t care about your happiness, health, or comfort. You’re just a free,expendable service to this type of person …. and because you’re such a darn good hero, you don’t even think before getting into a relationship with him.

Almost anybody could be willing to take advantage of you (man or woman). Be wary.



How Guys Take Advantage of It:


1. He’ll send you a text message at 3:47 AM, asking you to come over (see that article here).

2. He never lets you vent. He never asks how you feel. He never wants to know about your day.

3. When he notices that you’re almost free from his hold on you, he gives you a call—desperately needing your help again.


With this sort of empty, manipulative person, you have to walk away. Because no matter how much you help him, you cannot solve his issues. Talking to him more won’t do it. Responding to his distressed text messages won’t do it. Being there at all times of night won’t do it, either. As hard as it may be for you to understand, you can’t fix his problems. It’s the one power you don’t have, my hero. He’s the only one who can take the steps to resolving his underlying issues.


A lecture once made a reference to LEAKY PEOPLE. They're people who can’t hold onto all the good things you give them. You tell him, “I love you,” and he needs to be told again. You tell her, “You’re beautiful,” and she needs to be told again. You gave him a good 6 hours of your time last weekend, but he needs you again tomorrow. Nothing’s ever good enough. Just how a broken vase can't hold water, nothing satisfies a leaky person. Your time, your compliments, your encouragement, your help—all of it leaks right on out.

A Leaky Person will jump from one person to another, one friend to the other, but he won't be fulfilled. He'll leech off of you until you have nothing left or until you stop providing him with what he thinks he needs. And then, he could be off to the next person ...


How To Remedy The Complex:


1. Specify the people that take advantage of you.

2. Work on cutting them out of your life. Don’t see this as burning bridges. View it as guaranteeing your sanity and well-being. When you begin to cut them out, it may seem difficult simply because they know you. They know your weaknesses. They know which words will pull you right back. They know what makes you feel guilty. They know what makes you pick up the phone and show up at their doorstep.

3. Recognize how they’re using you. All that time you spent helping them, they were just collecting facts that would allow them to control you. Use this knowledge as fuel to avoid answering the phone. Delete their number if you have to.

4. Don’t help them out just “this one last time.” That’s the hero complex talking. You must remember that they are leaky. They will not benefit from “one last time”. They will use you again and again, until you draw the line.

5. Channel that assertive part of you. Is there anyone that you have no problem being yourself with? Someone who would never take advantage of you. Someone that you could say anything to. Transfer a few aspects of this relationship onto the person that’s manipulating you. Substitute that easygoing, I-Can-Tell-You-Exactly-What’s-On-My-Mind feeling onto the guy that won’t let you out of a lopsided relationship. This will make you far more assertive.

6. Eliminate the worry. When you stop helping someone and they reach out to you in distress, you might freak out, wondering what went wrong. But, you need to know that people like this need to get through whatever they’re going through alone. You could tell this person that there’s nothing you can do. Because that would be the truth. Or even better, don't respond. Leaky people need to find some strength from within. They need to stand on their own two feet, once in a while. There’s no need to worry about them, because after you cut them off, and after they throw a tantrum over it, they could come out better, stronger, and more self-reliant. And that’s the best help you can give them.

7. Learn how to say, “No.”



I say it’s time to take your cape off and put it away. You don’t need to be a hero. You don’t need to help everyone time and time again. Continue on your journey to becoming a thoughtful, kind, and caring person who doesn’t go overboard. Seek wisdom. Figure out when your help will be valuable and when it won’t be. Don’t forget about you. Always take care of yourself, too!

Love,

Zabrinah


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