Afraid To Be Happy

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Amber Rose from Laughing With Broken Eyes featured me on her blog! See it here. Thank you!


One of my good friends brought this subject up yesterday and inspired this post.

Take this quick quiz I just whipped up by answering the questions below:


1. Once you start succeeding at something, do you quit?

2. Do you ever hold back from trying your best?

3. Do you view happiness/joy as a burden?

4. Do you engage in self-sabotage once people compliment you on an achievement?

5. Are you afraid of doing too well? Afraid of reaching perfection—improving too much?

6. Do you avoid nice, decent guys?

7. Do you believe that “good things never last?” or from the moment you’re happy, it’s just a countdown to when you’re lonely again?



If you answered yes to any of these questions, then it’s time to realize that you’re clinging to a fear of happiness. And there’s a slim chance of successfully falling in love this way.

Many times, we’re afraid to be too happy because it’s uncharted territory. Few people can say they’ve entirely explored happiness to the fullest. We place this emotion on such a pedestal that half the time; we don’t believe we deserve it. So, when we do find the smallest inkling of contentment or success, we run away in the opposite direction. Or we find ways to sabotage this ounce of happiness from coming to fruition.



Why do we do that?

Because sadness isn’t uncharted territory. We know that feeling very well. We’re eerily comfortable with loneliness—though we complain about it. With self-inflicted solitude, at least we know what we’re getting ourselves into.



I’ve certainly pushed people away because I was too afraid of what my life would become with them in it. Sometimes, this is positive when you’re pushing away the bad boys, the jerks, the players, and the guys who are already taken. But what about those perfectly nice, single guys?


Before this summer, I used to listen to my friends talk about super nice guys—that would do anything for them—and say, “There’s just no spark. My heart doesn’t beat faster. My palms don’t sweat.” I used to reply with a shrug, “Okay. He’s not the one for you.” But now, my answer’s changing. I can’t be as lenient, anymore.

I will acknowledge that there are times when he’s great person, but still not compatible with you. But, you can’t judge him after one date, especially if you’re the kind of person that’s afraid to be happy. Your thoughts and opinions could be distorted by a fear of commitment, insecurity issues, or low confidence. Before I tell people, “He’s not the one” when the guy seems perfectly fine, I have to consider whether this guy meets their basic standards. If so, I have to consider whether my friend is desperately afraid to find "the one" in the first place! It’s quite common to want something so much that you fear it. In these types of contradictory cases, we often sabotage ourselves due to something we’d like to have.



How To Spot Self-Sabotage:


1. You’re attracted to guys that aren’t good for your life. They only take away, they never contribute to the relationship.

2. You see or hear about other people in a good relationship, and you fear/want what they have at the same time.

3. You dress up for once and everyone makes a big deal of it—complimenting you all day. The next day, you wear a large sweatshirt and sweatpants. This is the fear of being perceived as attractive.



Get the point? Why do we fear relationships? Because we don’t want to be alone. Why do we fear happiness? Because we don’t want to be sad. Because it feels undeserved. Or because it could quickly disappear. This is paradoxical and counteractive. You have to break the cycle.



How To Stop Fearing Happiness:


1. Examine your past and set up preventive measures. If you know that receiving a compliment on work, makes you work less, don’t fall do that, anymore. Continue with whatever earned you that compliment in the first place.

2. Run towards happiness with open arms. See for yourself how long it lasts.

3. Document these happenings in your journal. If you follow steps 1 &2 for the duration of three months and consistently journal throughout the whole time, you’ll most likely find that your fears were highly irrational. I sure did!

4. When all else fails, transfer all of your problems unto a friend that doesn’t exist. In other words, an imaginary friend. Give him/her all your problems and figure out how to make them better. It will help you look at your situation rationally. So, if this imaginary friend suddenly had a fear of being happy and came to you for advice, what would you honestly say? You’d say, “Go out with that really nice guy. Stop being afraid to be happy with him. Stop looking for a dangerous, more uncertain relationship. Stop sabotaging yourself … or else you’ll never get what you deserve, much less, what you want from life.”



Even if you’re absolutely terrified of finding “the one”, I say go for a relationship with that super nice guy. Don’t tell yourself that you don’t want a commitment unless that comes from an honest and true place—and not a place of fear.

Things could go wrong. You could end up with a broken heart. But chances are, your journal will be full of many happy memories that will never completely fade. You’ll inevitably walk away stronger, wiser, and better for than before (remember Indestructible? Read it here).



Love,

Zabrinah



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